In a desperate attempt to impress his new subjects, North Korea's Kim Jong-Un has broadcast the London Olympics to his nation six months early. The Great Successor himself took part in many events, and unsurprisingly, he showed the same amazing sportsmanship he did when he scored 11 holes-in-one in his first ever round of golf.
The rotund dictator was shown beating Usain Bolt in the 100 metres sprinting event. In a badly photoshopped image, Kim Jong-Un could be seen "showboating" the Jamaican fastest man on earth and beating him by a few strides, despite still wearing the all-black uniform he has always been pictured in. If the picture were real then Kim would have been disqualified for not wearing proper athletics attire, or his competition number. Luckily for him North Koreans are unable to read the Olympic rulebook, nor are they ever likely to have heard of photoshopping, or even computers.
In the football event, the tubby despot led North Korea to dramatic victories over such talented squads as Germany and Brazil, before winning the final against Scotland 23-1. That also marks Scotland's best ever appearance in international competition. However, during the Olympics this year, Great Britain are competing as a team. Again this is something the North Koreans are unlikely to know.
Kim Jong Un threw a record javelin, which flew far outside the stadium, through a pub's open window and onto the bullseye of a dartboard.
When he took part in the discus, he threw the projectile so hard that it actually cracked the moon. The North Korean space programme is sending a man with gaffer tape to patch it up.
In the wrestling competition, Kim Jong Un beat Chuck Norris by technical knockout, although it is likely even North Koreans will have trouble believing that one.