Chelsea manager Andre Villa-Boas has denied the club will sell £50million flop striker Fernando Torres in the January transfer window.
"It's an ABSOLUTE LIE" AVB grumbled into a microphone shoved into his face after another failure to pick up three points in a crucial 'EPL' game. "We absolutely won't be selling him - who on earth would pay a penny for the useless spaniard? Instead we will be looking for a swap deal... I'm hoping to get twelve tracksuits for him from Crockenhill (that they got from Gillingham for Tony Cascarino) - although that actually might be too optimistic - maybe six tracksuits is a fairer reflection of his current value"
TAKE IT AWAY
With Nicolas 'Richard' Anelka gone for a chinese takeaway and Drogba & Lampard expected to follow to a fast food outlet of similar quality - the Mourinho era at Stamford Bridge is expected to soon be erased from history as Andre Villa-Boas rebuilds the blues.