NEW YORK - In a joint statement from St. Andrews and USGA Headquarters in New Jersey, the two governing bodies who serve as primary stewards of the rules of golf, announced today that "Titanium Tiger" sternum implants have been approved for immediate use both on the professional and amateur levels.
Developed by Dr. Viscount Billingsgate, an avid golfer himself and holder of 12 doctorate degrees, the procedure requires that a titanium mounting bolt be surgically attached to the base of the sternum, allowing a flywheel composed of graphite fibers to be screwed on at exactly a 45% angle to the spine as one addresses the ball. Using Tiger Woods as a model, the wheel, which provides for the inner surfaces of the upper-arms to circumscribe its tacky perimeter, once energized by a phantom waggle, provides kinetic energy proportional to the rate of the hoop stress multiplied by the material density of the flywheel; this at a pre-programed swing plane that delivers the clubhead to the ball squarely and at a speed of over 125 miles per hour.
Similar in principle to the "Iron Byron" which duplicates the swing of golfing legend Byron Nelson and which is used to test the velocity of golf balls, the principle of the flywheel is found in the Neolithic spindle and the Medieval potter's wheel. Always at the forefront of antediluvian developmental applications, it nevertheless took Dr. Billingsgate four years to complete this project and another two years to have it approved by USGA and R&A equipment goombahs.
The holder of more than 200 patents, Dr. Billingsgate is best known for inventing the "Montana Pole." Utilized by lonely Montana sheep-herders on cold winter nights, it is best described as a 6-foot pole with a mirror attached and was used by the sheep-herder to see if the sheep were smiling as he mounted them from behind.