Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 1 January 2012

image for Arsenal To Sign Manchester United Legend Eric Cantona
Back Off Mancini - I Don't Care How Big Your Cheque Book Is. Back Off!

In keeping with their current policy of signing Premier League legends, Arsenal appear set to top the Thierry Henry coup by signing Manchester United legend, Eric Cantona.

A club spokesman said that luring the greatest ever French footballer out of retirement had been a massive challenge.

"When you think about it, it's a match made in heaven," the spokesman said. "For a kick off, Eric speaks fluent French, and he isn't exactly backwards in coming forward when it comes to kung fu kicking unruly spectators. Plus he does that Gallic panache bit with the upturned collar and the proud, jutting chin. Nobody does it like Eric. He'll be dynamite with Thierry. We can't wait."

Arsenal are also thought to be approaching Martin Keown with a short term contract offer, in case Manchester United sign Ruud Van Nistelrooy up from Malaga on a short term lease.

It appears that it's all a bit tit for tat in the PL at the moment, with Spurs signing Garth Crooks and Steve Archibald, QPR signing Rodney Marsh and Stan Bowles, Kenny Dalglish pulling on the shirt at Anfield, and Gary Lineker linking up with Andy Gray at Everton.

At this point, nobody seems quite sure which clubs will offer contracts to Jim Leighton, Stan Collymore, Robbie Fowler, John Barnes, Denis Law, Denis Bergkamp, Ruud Gullit or Dennis The Menace, but analysts predict that some mug is bound to jump on the bandwagon.

Probably Steve Kean at Blackburn.

In this Premier League retro season, Manchester City are believed to have offered short term contracts to Roy Of The Rovers, Striker out of The Sun, Billy, out of Billy's Boots in the Victor, Alf Tupper out of Tough Of The Track and Billy The Fish out of Viz Comic.

"Back of the net! Get in there!" exclaimed a jubilant Roberto 'Boom-Boom' Mancini. "I am sure they will do a great job for Manchester City. We can't get much lower than losing to Blunderland. Mind you, we at least had a laugh at the quiet neighbours. Even if we weren't doing the Poznan."

When Skoob Sports News eventually managed to contact Eric Cantona, the great man himself said:

"I know nossing of ziss. Ah would never play for ze Gooners. Zat is tres stupide. And as for Manchester Citeh - zey may embrace mon derriere. Zey are merde!"

At which point our reporter, overwhelmed by the legend that is Eric Cantona, fell flat on his face on the pavement on Coronation Street outside Salford Lads Club. In that nice Ordsall. Where he couldn't be revived until a passing bystander started a rousing rendition of We'll Drink To Eric The King, to the tune of Lily The Pink by the Scaffold. Who were Scousers. Which is irrelevant really.

Just in - City have signed German Chancellor Angela Merkel as a back up for YaYaToure and Fulham have approached Jimmy Greaves.

Ian St John is apparently having second thoughts about a possible move to Everton. As is Ian Wright Wright Wright about a possible move to Tottenham.

More as we get it.

Although nobody has the faintest idea why.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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