In a desperate bid to shore up his injury stricken squad following a humiliating home defeat to Blackburn Rovers, Sir Alex Ferguson has apparently confirmed that United have signed up Liverpool striker Luis Suarez.
This comes as no surprise to insiders, who insist that Suarez has unofficially been a United player for several days, as revealed in a leaked internet document.
It is understood that the suspensions imposed on Suarez will still stand, and that he will not actually appear in a United shirt until February, although some sources suggest that he has already made his United debut.
In disguise. As Chicharito.
A source said that Suarez will probably room with Patrice Evra when the team play away.
The leaked internet document is believed to have originated from a loyal Manchester United fan, based in Lagos, Nigeria.
In other news, a man was arrested on Dartmoor this morning for plaiting fog.
More as we get it.