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Thursday, 29 December 2011

image for Duke Star Austin Rivers: Dire Risk for a Dollar

Meet Chapel Hill resident Jason Barbera, squatting in his booth at the Dreyfuss Diner. We asked this passionate Duke fan what he thought of the cuisine at the local hotspot.

"The half frozen, watery jambalaya tastes like tinned fish," he said, somewhat effeminately.

This is where Duke star Austin Rivers spends his time as a cook, shoveling hot fat and vegetable grease. These clumsy culinary habits put him at high risk for burning his hands with boiling frying pan magma. But Coach Mike Krzyzewski sees no problem with this kind of workforce enrollment.

"It's time our players learned the value of a hard earned American rupiah dollar," said Coach K, somewhat effeminately."Depreciation has taken a toll on my players."

Austin has developed a disturbing attachment to the job, however, as he now seems to smuggle half-eaten corndogs against his elastic waistband. This kind of fried food on the court clearly violates NCAA rules. Austin, however, would say he is lucky.

"I'm a chef who fries bar food. I'm a world class basketball player. THanks for reading this article," said Rivers, somewhat effeminately.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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