Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 21 December 2011

image for Kobe Bryant Says That His Divorce Will Not Affect His Basketball Play Except Maybe For His Free Throw Shooting
After Vanessa Bryant filed for divorce from Kobe the price of his autographed basketball went from $469.99 down to $97.87.

LOS ANGELES - The star of the Los Angeles Lakers Kobe Bryant had just finished dribbling and shooting a basketball for three hours straight during a team practice at The Staples Center when he sat down with Sports Territory Magazine's Tango Brisket.

Brisket asked Kobe how his little finger was feeling since he had reportedly hurt it while opening a can of tuna fish. Bryant said that his little finger was fine but that his ego was bruised all to hell.

"Because of Vanessa filing for divorce." Brisket asked.

"No dude, because I just bought ten $5 scratch off lottery tickets and I did not win a damn thing - of course because of my effen divorce, dammit, even a numskull like Shaq could figure out that one."

Brisket did not back off and told Kobe not to get his jock strap in a bind and to stop acting like that big old prima donna diva that just got traded to the world champion Dallas Mavericks Lamar "Reality Show" Odom.

Bryant apologized saying that he was just mad because he had asked Vanessa that morning to return the $4 million ring he had bought her after that Colorado white woman mess he got into back in 2003.

He said that she gave him a sarcastic glance and told him that by the time her lawyer is finished with him she'll have enough money to buy about 45 more of those $4 million rings if she wanted to.

Brisket asked Kobe what the hell happened suggesting that perhaps maybe there had been a bit of dilly dallying on his part.

"Dilly dallying?" Kobe asked adding, "Fella if you are trying to imply or insinuate that I was involved in extramarital mattress mamboing, or doing the horizontal hokey pokey, or parking the beef bus in the donut station then the answer is 'No,' and actually 'Hell no!'"

"Well alrighty then Bubba, so then what your saying is that the problem lies somewhere within Vanessa's innermost feminine reaches?"

Bryant jumped up and got in Brisket's face. He yelled at him not to be dissing his wife by using that kind of uncalled for vulgar talk.

Brisket merely rolled his eyes and asked Kobe if perhaps Vanessa's problem was genderly hormonal in nature.

Kobe pondered that thought for a moment and then replied, "Yeah, you know what Brisk, go with that. Let's go with that genderly hormonal thing, I think that will work out damn good."

The Sports Territory Magazine reporter was thrilled that Kobe had finally managed to calm down.

"And Kobe," Brisket remarked, "Do you think that all of this media-fueled divorce proceedings circus-like atmosphere will have any adverse affect on your basketball play at all?"

Kobe got very serious. He took a sip of his Mango Gatorade and a bite from his Three Musketeers chocolate bar and said "Well I don't think that it will affect my ball handling at all, nor my dribbling, or my defense, but I do have a friggin feeling that it may affect my free-throw shooting."

SIDENOTE: Bryant stated off-the-record that the reason he feels it is going to affect his free throw shooting is because when Shaq (O'Neal) got divorced he suddenly went from being an 83 percent free throw shooter all the way down to being a 17 percent free throw shooter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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