Manchester: the epicentre of football. Well, the epicentre of Thursday night Channel Five football. Instead of the Bernabeu in the next round Manchester City will be looking to the Britannia stadium for their midweek football. As Man City prepare to become the richest club to make a dedicated assault on Europe's equivalent of the Johnston's Paint trophy, it is Manchester United who Back and to the Left news feels most sorry for. Last night on a blustery evening in Basle they were robbed of a chance of glory.
Despite the fact that Manchester United (THE Manchester United) were losing the officials didn't add the required amount of time to the end of the game. Alex Ferguson was obviously incandescent with rage as he spoke to our reporter.
"I just don't get it, I told the forth official I wanted ten minutes of added time but then he held the board up with three on. I exploded I asked him as politely as possible what the fuck he was doing? And where were my ten minutes? And he just laughed and said this isn't Old Trafford Sir Alex. The fucking cheek of it! If we're to have top class football matches we need top class officials."
Basle denied Man U qualification with a 2-1 victory both goals coming from their ex-international strike force of Alex Frei and Marco Streller. Consistent whiner Patrice Evra said:
"I cant believe this has happened to me. To me Patrice Evra. How am I supposed to deal with this immense disappointment?"
He sped off in his three million pound helicopter dropping pre signed photographs of his shirtless body on the crowds who had gathered to pay a silent vigil for Man U's European dreams. Wayne Rooney looked the most distraught as he left the pitch, his face a mixture of confusion and a naughty child who has set fire to a cat. We were lucky enough to speak to Wayne before he was sent for his nap by the Utd nursery staff.
"Me not understand...."
Said Wayne with his face contorted in an effort to push each word out with correct enunciation.
"At end I look for start button to restart match but me no find one"
As Wayne was ushered away and we were told in no uncertain circumstance not to paint him out to be an idiot, we watched as the Basle players celebrated on the pitch. As a mark of respect for the death of Manchester, we lit a candle.