Austin, Texas: During what was expected to be a typical post-retirement press conference for the athlete, in which he would announce plans to compete in an ever more mediocre sporting event and blather about cancer, Lance Armstrong's day took a turn for the worse when journalist David Walsh drew attention to a seven-inch syringe protruding from Armstrong's quadricep.
"What is that in my leg? What is that in your leg? I'm busting my ass up here, six hours of self-publicising a day," Armstrong somewhat hastily replied, before clarifying: "I'm thinking of colouring these syringes yellow and selling them to raise money for my foundation."
"You can't fight cancer without needles," he added.
Armstrong will be competing in the Lampasas Grand Prix this month, a gruelling 50 mile race around the city he calls home. David Walsh, a renowned critic of cyclists, implied that the syringe might be indicative of Armstrong's illegitimate preparation for the upcoming event. "You've been juicing up, haven't you, Lance? With steroids." Armstrong denied such suggestions.
When asked how the ex-professional would tackle repeated 200ft ascents without the aid of performance enhancing drugs, Armstrong accused Walsh of "bringing this sport into disrepute."
"You're a piece of crap, Walsh. You just can't find it in you to believe." Armstrong paused to slowly draw back the plunger, grimacing. A deep sadness entered his visibly dilated pupils as he turned to address the remaining journalists. "We're much stronger than we believe."
UPDATE: The LiveStrong syringes will be available from livestrong.org and selected retailers on December 27th. They can be used to ice cakes with yellow icing for LiveStrong fundraisers or inject EPO*.
*Not LiveStrong designated usage