NEW YORK - NBA Commissioner David Stern today suspended Kim Kardashian from future contact with any NBA basketball player currently under contract with one of the teams making up the league.
Calling Kardashian a "serial screen scratcher" who preys on young men barely able to dribble a ball and chew gum at the same time, he has alerted security officials who monitor the activities of the players at the various arenas, hotels and bars to be on the lookout for any subtle exchange of bodily fluids between Kim and a player that might sully the reputation of the once proud NBA.
Stern, who has been the league's commissioner since 1984, said that the recent marriage and subsequent divorce of Kim and her husband of sorts, Kris Humphries, was "an embarrassment to the proud family tradition of the National Basketball Association."
Saying that when he first came into the league, players like Majic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Larry Bird would never step out on their wives by falling prey to the screen scratchers of today. In most instances, including the one which Kobe Bryant was caught by surprise when a young lady whom he bent over a chair in his hotel room before mounting her, the victim was the naive ball player; not the "whoring scumbag" hellbent on making a reputation for herself.
FOOTNOTE: Ms. Kim Kardashian has retained the services of Gloria Allblue, who in a televised interview, said that she will fight for the rights of all women, regardless of gender, to make passes at men who have tight asses.