Written by jd Balderdash
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Topics: Police, Super Bowl

Tuesday, 31 January 2006

Detroit police are issuing the following warning .. "If you are carrying a suitcase nuke, YOU are not getting into the stadium!". Harsh words, especially if you're also carrying a $3000 ticket but Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff has good reason to believe that Al Qaeda might just attempt to cause the Steelers/Seahawks game to end a bit more prematurely than originally planned by ABC.

Bin Laden, unhappy with Detroit's decision to ban all WMD's from Sunday's game released his latest video (this time directly to DVD) in which he referred to President Bush as not only a wimp but a wuss of a wimp as well in hopes of perhaps taunting the President into loosening security around Ford Field Stadium in Detroit.

Suitcase Nukes, as every internet conspiracy theorist knows, were either bought, stolen or borrowed from the former Soviet Union by Osama Bin Laden. Now Laden has enough exploding suitcases to blow a medium sized hole in much of New England and the surrounding states, depending on the brand of the luggage.

Donald Rumsfeld, suitcase nuke expert told reporters,

"It's all a matter of kilo-tonnage AND the type of suitcase the kilotons are packed in. Our folks tell us that Samsonite, for example, being many times more durable than say American Tourister will not, during an explosion wipe out NEARLY as many square miles as an American Tourister thermonuclear explosion simply because SAMSONITE is, as their commercial says, made Ford rugged tuff."

Seatle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck did say that he was a little concerned about being wiped off the face of the Earth during the second half by an atom bomb but that, in his words,

"The Bowl must go on. Besides, I really want to see the Mick Jagger and the Stones before they die, even if we all DO go up in a mushroom cloud after they do Jumpin' Jack Flash."

Citizens of Detroit living in and around the Ford Field Stadium also expressed concerns about being blown to bits but say that that's just the risk you take every day, living in Detroit.

Homeland Security admits that terrorist "chatter" has increased 10-fold since Bin Laden's new video tapes were released but tells Americans "not to worry" because the Steelers WILL come out ahead providing that Seahawks safety, Ken Hamlin can be shut down by the Steeler's defense assuming quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and his offensive line ..

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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