Given the certainty that West Ham will be in the Premier League next season, Uncle Sam Allardyce has obtained the agreement of both David Beckham and Carlos Tevez to sign for the Hammers.
David Beckham speaking from Los Angeles told us exclusively that he wanted to end his football career 'back home in the near old East End' whilst Carlos Tevez, fresh from a trip to South America, promised that he would be returning to the club 'where I had my happiest days'.
The only hitch which will assuredly be overcome is that West Ham must be in the Top Division next season, vying for Europe, should the concept of Europe still be operating.
Uncle Sam rang me to give me the news last night. He was anticipating a celebration with the fans which would include a toast to our friends at Tottenham Hotspur. 'All we need is for Scott Parker to return' said Big Sam 'and all our dreams will have come true and we can open the champagne and sing the Bubbles to the world.'