QPR manager Neil Warnock was left seething after the Premier League refused his request to bring in a goalkeeper on an emergency loan following injuries to Paddy Kenny and understudy Brian Murphy.
"Paddy has got an enlarged Gluteus Maximus and his arse has swollen to twice it's normal size. We are waiting for Fatima Whitbread to come out of the jungle so she can give him an injection with her javelin", joked Warnock.
"Murphy is also out of action after straining his calf pulling Paddy's leg. I am never going to sign an Irish goalkeeper again", said a frustrated Neil Warnock.
QPR were forced to travel to Norwich with third choice stopper Radek Cerny-who has lumbago and can only get around on a zimmer frame-and Latvian rookie Elvis Putnins, 20, who was recalled from a loan spell at Ryman's League club Boreham Wood to provide competition for Cerny between the sticks.
"Some of the lads had heard of Elvis before he arrived in Norwich, so they were All Shook Up and sang Don't Be Cruel when i told them he might get the nod ahead of Radek. Cerny's injured back is Always On My Mind but I Just Can't Help Believin and i knew we would be in Heartbreak Hotel if we had played Elvis", admitted Warnock.
QPR have been told by the Premier League that they cannot get an emergency stopper in while Cerny and Elvis are both fit.
"We needed to act quickly on this so we have put both dodgy keepers on a Bernard Matthews Turkey diet with instant results. They have already grown a sixth finger and started shagging their sisters. We have informed the Premier League about this and are hoping to get two new goalies in by next saturday", said a relieved Warnock.
"It's a difficult enough trip to Norwich as it is, with having to see Delia's teeth, and to make matters worse, i had to have a sherry with the old soak after the carrot crunchers nicked a lucky win against my boys", ranted Neil Warnock.