Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Wednesday, 23 November 2011

image for Seats And Turnstiles Not Big Enough At Olympic Stadium For Today's Fatties!
Police will give any jammed spectators a helpful push!

Several thousand of the seats already fitted in the various stadiums at East London's Olympic Village will have to be taken out and replaced with reinforced ones. The decision to change the seats has been taken because of concerns raised by Health and Safety inspectors who say the current seats would not be big enough to withstand the weight of many of today's American and European men and women spectators. The replacement seats will also have to be much wider.

Having to widen thousands of the seats is a major problem because the 80,000 seating capacity of the main Olympic Stadium formed part of the agreement with the International Olympic Committee when awarding the 2012 Olympic Games to the UK, and the government has made it absolutely clear that there is no more money available to increase the size of the stadium. Nevertheless additional space must somehow be found for the wider seats now required.

"The circumference of the running track will probably have to be significantly shortened" says Prime Minister David Cameron. "Sadly the much tighter track makes it unlikely we will see any world record times being set next year because obviously in order for the runners not to drift out of their respective lanes will mean they'll have to slow down when turning the bends. And unfortunately the hundred meter sprint will have to start on one of those bends."

The throwing events of hammer and discus will probably still take place in the stadium, but the javelin competition will not.

"Luckily we have the wide expanse of Hackney Marshes just across the road from the Olympic Village" points out Mr Cameron, "so arrangements will be made for the javelin boys and girls to throw their sticks over there."

A further problem identified by the Health and Safety inspectors are the turnstiles people will have to go through in order to enter the Olympic Village, or into the various stadiums. They say obese spectators could get jammed in them.

"We'll be smearing the turnstiles with grease to reduce the possibility of roly poly men and women getting stuck," says Mr Cameron, "but admittedly some of our American visitors next summer could still find it a problem to slide through them. However, there will of course be plenty of strong policemen on duty to get any jammed spectators through the turnstiles with a hard helpful push."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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