Written by heidiburgle
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Thursday, 10 November 2011

Neil Warnock has admitted he never thought he would settle in London, but has been pleasantly surprised.

"I love London. Everyone said it's full of twats, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I moved my family into a nice 3-bed maisonette on the White City estate when I joined QPR, and we love it there, the locals are ever-so friendly. Trouble was, I tended to brunch out too much at Chubby's Grill, so the wife put me on a diet and I feel better than ever.

"I've also picked up some slang, has really helped me to fit in. The promotion bonus I got with QPR helped me pay for my new Hampsteads. They look well reem."

With the international break this weekend, Warnock gave his players a week off to get some well earned rest. "Kieron Dyer has gone off on a Saga holiday for the infirm, Anton Ferdinand has borrowed John Terry's ranch in Alabama for a few days, whilst Shaun Derry told me he's going cruising. I do hope he gets a room with a balcony, otherwise it's like living in a closet."

Warnock hopes to bring in at least 20 new players in the transfer window. "We lack strength in depth. We need at least four players for every position, plus a whole new team for the FA Cup which I intend to win this season."

Meanwhile, Jamie Mackie has backed up his Scottish heritage after claims that, like all good jocks, he too is a wife beater. "It was all a big misunderstanding," he said. "Our pet cat died and she wanted consoling, so I hit her over the head with my Playstation. Unfortunately this gave her a wee fit and she was in hospital for three days. I didn't Nintendo do it. I let her have a play with my joy stick to say sorry."

Joey Barton has also been making the headlines for the wrong reasons, after a stinging attack on the BBC's CBeebies channel. Talking via his Twitter account, he labelled all the shows as 'tv for inbreds' and called Mr Tumble 'a fat c*nt'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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