Written by Ellie James
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Topics: London 2012

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

image for 2012 London Games Officials Reject Several Exhibition Sports
These hedges will be spared this summer

Officials from the 2012 Olympic Committee have confirmed that they are rejecting several exhibition sports from this summer's games in London.

While there will still be an international competition of Qigong, and a Rowing challenge, it was announced that cat shaving, hedge designing, and pasty hoarding will not be demonstrated during the London Games.

Gavin Spencer, the team captain of Britain's hedge designing team, was greatly disappointed as he's spent the past several years perfecting his already near perfect craft.

Katherine Kipling, from the Canadian team was also devastated. "It's sad, really. I was planning something really amazing for the free cut competition."

Though sad news for Topiary lovers nationwide this judgement has further angered the green fingered community as it appears to be yet another backwards step for organic related sports. Outspoken veteran Chris 'Bush Slicer' Jones of the national Hedge Diving Association, which was dropped from the listing two years previously was furious at the decision. Jones stated, "I know Spence and myself have never seen eye to eye, but this is just yet another roasting of the common man. I've always admired the skill and dexterity of Spence and his team and when things went sour in 2003 it was only because I had to express my admiration for his Rhamnus Frangula in Shades of Disgruntlement by triple beating into it. The public adore watching him chop away."

Tony Friggans, head pasty hoarder for Team Britain, is upset by the news as well. "Its been a long arduous week for us all… And now this." says Friggans, referring to the recent rumors that the Cornish Pasty was in fact invented in Devon 236 years before the first recorded pasty in Cornwall. It's said that in order not to bring scandal to the games or further controversy to the Cornish plight, it was best just to cancel the competition altogether. Cornwall county council declined to comment however but an insider claims to have overheard the recently elected Labour candidate saying "…Its only over the border. We could just invade Devon (and take back whats ours)"

The organizers for the London Games would only state that the decision to eliminate these three demonstration sports was for economical reasons. The rumor machine is rife however and a recent leak to the mainstream media hinted that the games would not be exempt from government Efficiency Savings. Cabinet minister Jim Crunt (Conservative) was quoted as saying "It is indeed sad that we can no longer cater for some activities. In true Olympic manner, however, we cannot take away without giving something back and I am proud to announce the replacements for these reductions: Counterfeiting, Chav Calming and Spin Doctoring"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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