Written by tennisman
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Saturday, 5 November 2011

image for Retired Golden Girl sparks Toon Premier League surge
Bea Arfur on a 1980's pre-season training hike with fellow Golden Girl footballing stars

Who would have thought it, The Toon at 4th place in the Premier League? No, it's the playmaker who is making it all happen.

An American actress better known for her biting performances in a famous TV comedy sitcom is the driving force behind Newcastle United's surprising early season ascent towards the top of the Premier League.

As Alan Pardew's side continue to consolidate their position amongst the monied powerhouse teams in the prized Champions League slots, fans are realising that the credit must go to Bea Arfur, the star of the 1980's comedy programme, the Golden Girls.

Since her move to Tyneside, Arfur has been plaugued by injury including a long period out after a Nigel De Jong tackle flattened her hair in an explosive incident at the Etihad. The Dutch international reacted strongly to Arfur after she patted the City midfielder's follickly challenged head while towering over him at a corner.

Despite seeking help for the problem across the hairdressers of the North East, Arfur's perm (based on a style made famous by former 1970's Norwich and Millwall striker, Gordon Bolland) has only just returned to it's former height and density for the commencement of the new season, resulting in a return to 1st team action at St James' Park.

An interesting character, Bea, who plays barefoot, has managed to juggle her football with a commitment to theatre and TV appearances in the United States along with support to various religious and social causes in her New York home.

Although many are still perplexed as to how the tall star has been able to combine acting with her time at the Clairefontaine academy, Olympique Lyonnais, Marseille and now a life on Tyneside, travel experts have marvelled at a gruelling transatlantic flying schedule which have made David Frost's 1960's exploits seem like to trip to the local shops.

Pardew is delighted with Arfur's contribution and has sent his scouts off nationwide to trawl the classes of the Stagecoach group as well as its' french counterpart, L'Acteur des Balls, looking for more acting-footie talent.

The box set of the Golden Girls is now available in United's club shop.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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