John Terry has categorically denied having a porcupine on his head during Chelsea's shock defeat at QPR.
In a carefully worded statement, John Terry told a reporter "It's not a fucking porcupine you cunt."
The FA are investigating the porcupine slur after footage appeared on You Tube suggesting that the Chelsea captain did have some dead animal on his head.
"We have called in experts from Reptile Kingdom in Surbiton to determine whether there is a wild rodent on John Terry's bonce. It looks like a porcupine but John Terry is claiming it is a skunk" said FA barber Sir Roger Slaphead-Mason.
Chelsea manager Andre Villas-Boas has given his full backing to John Terry and is demanding that the incident should be brushed under the carpet.
"JT is England captain and can do what the fuck he likes and you load of wankers can do one" said a red faced Villas-Boas in perfect English.
The Chelsea manager has also complained to the Daily Mail and The Sun about the lack of respect afforded to himself and the rest of the team.
"A QPR fan called me a ginger bellend and said my boat race was like a sunburnt bogbrush" said the furious Chelsea manager.
"It has also been claimed on a Shepherd's Bush Forum that my proud and aristocratic name is an anagram of VD ANAL ARSE BOILS. The FA should be investigating this bad language and the conspiracy against Chelsea" argued Villas-Boas.
"We are serious title contenders and we will not tolerate being turned over by a shit team like QPR and then allow them to take the piss out of us. I have just spoken to Roman Fukov and we are going to buy QPR and all their fans. Then those fucking cunts will not be able to humiliate us again" said a defiant Villas-Boas.