Written by Teddy Silver
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Friday, 28 October 2011

Premier league footballers are to be exonerated for their verbal controversies following the revelation that they are too inherently stupid to understand the literary connotations of what makes a given combination of words racist, a new study has found.

According to scientists at the University of Croydon's neanderthal equality division, recent claims that English footballers are more racist than Prince Phillip at an Indian film festival should be disregarded after research revealed that players aren't capable of understanding even the most basic racial subtexts associated with everyday language.

"They just don't understand the social connotations or implications of anything thing they say," said Ian Slangswot, head of the department. "In truth, the majority of players aren't able to do much more than kick a spherical piece of leather into a net, spit on disabled children or commit adultery with a twenty-year-old page three model," said Ian Slangswot, head of the department.

According to the research, heart-in-mouth England captain John Terry simply isn't responsible when he calls fellow professionals "f*"king b*&ck c$%ts" or puts his genitals inside your girlfriend because he isn't aware that his actions are interpreted as anything other than "banter".

"Our research suggests that the average footballers' gene makeup consists of a higher percentage of Neanderthal DNA than is found in an average human being. It's around 30% compared to around 2% for most people. Which is why players like Wayne Rooney are such fine athletes yet have an IQ on par with a mentally retarded otter," said Jenny Thaggart, head of DNA development.

"In fact, we gave Rooney an exam in which he had to categorise certain words depending on whether he thought they were 'racially loaded' or 'socially acceptable', but we came back half an hour later to find he'd eaten the test and smeared the word 'ball' across the exam hall using his own poo."

"What was perhaps most shocking was that it was actually an online examination - there were bits of intel core processor around his mouth... he'd also spelled the word ball wrong," Thaggart added.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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