LOS ANGELES - "Hell no! I won't go!" was how the unemployed and former NFL football player Terrell Owens first responded when an arena football team offered $400 a week with no vacation and two days of sick time.
The Arena Football League, widely known to be unknown, is a professional football indoor league that has been receiving donations since its inception in the late 1980's. In fact, each year they have had to cancel the Arena Bowl, NFL Super Bowl equivalent, because business was too busy laughing out loud after watching a few games.
Although most AFL players get paid $100 weekly, Owens first received word of the superstar contract while he was tanning at a Hollywood salon free of charge thanks to a GroupOn discount.
Unfortunately, sports pundits tell us that it's not T.O.'s work ethic or his determination or the whitening of his teeth that sows doubt in scouts' mind. It's his age. The thirty-eight year old receiver is so old for football that scouts have to spell out the number of his age in their correspondence just to be polite when they refer to Terrell Owens. In fact, insiders refer to Owens as the grey chip.
In response, Owens agent, Drew 'I don't know what the hell I'm doing' Rosenhaus, vehemently denies that Owens cares more about whitening his teeth than trying to age so much so that he decided to film a televised workout for scouts to watch T.O.
Rosenhaus hoped by providing the convenience of a televised workout to scouts, whom won't have to travel to watch Owens throw the ball to himself and catch it at a local high school football field, would encourage them to give Terrell Owens a Twitter shout out.
Although AFL executives think their offer to Owens should be viewed as a 'fresh start' for the very 'old, reality show deprived, and depleted talented wide receiver,' Owens would rather start a clothing line and sell for cheaper than Stephon Marbury's 'Starbury' sneakers before he allows himself to run into walls.
In unrelated news, Stephon Marbury is still missing. Psychiatric wards have put a bounty on Marbury and hope he will return to teach other patients how not to end a basketball career.