BOSTON - Major League Baseball Commisioner Bud Selig announced today that the frozen head of former Boston Red Sox legend, Hall of Famer Ted Williams, has been appointed to investigate the drinking that went on in the Red Sox clubhouse.
Workers at Alcor Life Extension Foundation in Scottsdale, Arizona, the cryonics lab where the frozen leftovers of the Splendid Splinter are preserved in liquid nitrogen, were told by Selig to thaw out Williams' head and fly it back to Boston on his own private jet.
The head, part of the corpse known as "Alcorian A-1949", has been balanced on an empty can of Bumble Bee tuna to keep if from sticking to the bottom of its case. According to Larry Johnson, a disgruntled former employee at Alcor, he once saw another Alcor employee remove Williams' head from the freezer with a stick, who then tried to dislodge the tuna can by swinging at it with a monkey wrench.
The technician, hardly a .406 hitter like the baseball legend, reportedly whiffed on two attempts with the wrench. Then, after stepping out of the freezer box and adjusting his warm mittens, he smacked Williams' head full on, spraying "tiny pieces of frozen head" around the room.
Regarding his plans to investigate the drinking that went on in the Red Sox clubhouse, Williams' thawed-out head was quoted as saying, "It's something that we're concerned about, just to make sure we head off any futures problems in the Red Sox organization."
"Believe me, no one would be talking about this had the Red Sox won two more games and won the wild card. Let's keep that in perspective," the former head of the rest of the Splendid Splinter's body said.
"I will do everything earthly possible to resurrect the spirit of the Red Sox Nation."