Written by Blatters Demon

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Wednesday, 19 October 2011

At a recent FIFF meeting (Football Is Finally Finished), Mr Porkypies'n Batter gave a resounding insight into what he thought of people connected with football.

"It's quite simple. The whole lot of them are mugs. It has been my total life's ambition to completely wreck the game, and I think I am very close to succeeding.

What you don't realise, is that you don't get to where I am today just by ignoring people. You always have to be on the offensive, and absolutely trash them.

The recent World Cup for example. In collusion with Crappidas, we produced a ball which has taken the whole game backwards. Look at what we managed to achieve.

The Crappilani:

1) That could bounce as high as the upper tiers.
2) That bounced over players heads, even on ground passes. We were in continuous stitches watching the players jumping up and down trying to catch it.
3) It could skid out of play faster than a racing bob-sleigh. Players had to be resuscitated by medical teams after collapsing with exhaustion chasing pointless long through balls.
4) Teams that liked to play first time passes looked hilariously incompetent as the ball increased its speed by 10mph each touch. After nine passes, they didn't know where the ball was and were looking around in bewilderment.
5) Players boots appeared to have invisible springs, as the ball repeatedly shot away from them when trying to control it.
6) Goalkeepers continually dived the whole game, just in case any 1100mph shots came their way. Although to be fair, most ended up bringing down helicopters and air balloons hovering over the stadiums.
7) Crosses, whether short or long, never came down until they reached the safety of the crowd and then rebounded straight back into play without anybody noticing.
8) Team tactics became redundant, as players got used to passing once, and then stopping the ball in their own time.

But as we predicted, not one spectator noticed anything wrong at all. Fans are used to how the ball behaves in their own league, and stupidly assumed this new ball would be the same.

So they blamed the players for boring games and fantastically unpredictable results. They just couldn't or didn't want to accept what they were seeing. TV pundits and commentators, I couldn't believe my luck, were blaming the managers and the players as well.

We had a little bit of aggravation from the various FA's, but once I told them it was an altitude problem, and that there would be a non-existent enquiry a year later, they were as good as gold.

Because some managers over the years had blamed the pitches, corner flags and white line paint for bad results in their own leagues, they just couldn't dare suggest there was a ball problem.

The ball construction itself was an absolute masterpiece. After softening punters up with a semi-sealed ball with less stitching in the previous World Cup, we went to town on this one. Completely sealed, so that nobody knew it was pumped up with laughing gas and extract of Hungarian grasshopper.

It has all the properties of a greasy rubber ball, but looks just like a two-bob plastic one.

We put every new ball through seven tests to make the perfect ball. The first six tests check the ball's weight, circumference, roundness, bounce, water absorption and loss of pressure. How it passed the bounce test is staggering, even to me.

To gain the top FIFF APPROVED quality mark, a ball must pass these six tests under even more demanding conditions, as well as a seventh test (shape and size retention) to ensure that the ball also retains its shape and size for the duration of a match.

Well, we deliberately forgot one. It's called the game test. Out on a pitch, not in a lab. But we haven't got time for trivialities like that. We do what we like.

A continuous nightmare - Please admire the guy's denials. Classic.

This is the overall plan as this ball with different patterns on it, will be used in the following competitions. Make the 2010 World Cup a disaster. Achieved. Make the Eufa Cup and Champions League disasters too. Work in progress. Euro 2012 finals. Bring out a new ball that nobody will know anything about except that it will go even faster and bounce even more. And finally, before I retire, introduce it into all leagues world-wide.

Eventually, people will get so fed up watching these now totally crap games, that they will give up and watch cricket instead. After I leave FIFF, that's where I'll be going next. Oh happy days.

Nobody in their right mind is going to watch any of these games and notice what I've been telling you about. They're all mentally blind. Can you honestly imagine protests at football matches in the coming months? 'The Eufa ball is rubbish', 'The Champions ball is rubbish', The Euro ball is rubbish'. No chance is there?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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