Written by Rebel Not Taken
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Monday, 17 October 2011

image for Neil Warnock blames tart's boots
Shoes found in dustbin outside The General Smuts pub..

QPR manager Neil Warnock has blamed flimsy footwear for his team's draw against Blackburn on saturday.

"DJ Campbell broke his metatarsal while training in a pair of yellow Jimmy Choos on Thursday and it has cost us two points" claimed an angry Warnock.

The QPR gaffer has admitted that the striker is not the first player to hobble off as a result of wearing 'fuck me' shoes.

"Kieron Dyer wore pink Laboutins for the opening game against Bolton and toppled over after 5 minutes. That cost us another 3 points."

Now the manager has revealed the extent of the footwear fetish.

"Jay Bothroyd has not scored because his Ugg boots are too furry and Adel Taarabt can not get a clean strike of the ball in those turned up at the toe Arabian Nights slippers. I have told the lads that we won't win games until we ditch the tart's shoes and get some proper old fashioned kicking boots" ranted the Yorkshireman.

QPR captain Joey Barton has also annoyed the gaffer after not receiving a single booking for violent conduct.

"I got Joey in to kick lumps out of the opposition and all he has done is show off about his organic Birkenstock sandals on Twitter" said Warnock.

But Barton has defended his and other players' rights to have freedom of footwear.

"I am hoping to buy a pair of original George Orwell 1940 carpet slippers at Sothebys and wear them for the game against Chelsea" tweeted Joey.

Neil Warnock is also concerned that confidential information about shoe sizes is being leaked from the training ground.

"One of our players has told a fan that Sean Wright-Phillips has been secretly playing in 6" platform heels. If other teams get wind of our tactics it could cost us even more points.

"If i find out who was responsible i will boot them up the arse with a good old fashioned pair of sensible shoes" said an irate Warnock.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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