Written by William H. Lumpkin
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Friday, 14 October 2011

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"Fine this!" said Kevin James of MLB's decision

Cracking down on unauthorized discussions, Major League Baseball began fining fans having "unauthorized discussions" of the games.

"It's right there in the disclaimer," said Roger "Happy" Garris, MLB's legal representative. " 'Any rebroadcast, retransmission, or account of this game, without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, is prohibited.' Discussing the game with friends or others is considered an 'account.'"

Barfly Kevin James was visibly upset when speaking about his $3,000 fine.

"This is bull--," James said, shaking the legal document in a clenched fist. "I can't even discuss the game? What's next? I won't be able to tell my friends about a great movie I saw?"

At that, a representative from Paramount studios stood up and left the bar, screaming "I know how to make more money! I know how to make more money!"

The letter, sent in triplicate on legal paper, read:

"On the evening of October 11th, 2011, Mr. KEVIN JAMES (hereafter known as THE FAN), was heard discussing a WALK-OFF GRAND SLAM (hereafter known as THE INCIDENT) hit by the DETROIT TIGERS (herafter known as THE TEAM) with a Mr. TYLER HART (hereafter known as THE DRUNK), who had missed the play while in the restroom of TINY TIGER'S DRINK TANK (herafter known as THE ESTABLISHMENT).
"THE FAN described in great detail THE INCIDENT, clearly violating our disclaimer, after which THE DRUNK fell off the barstool, uncsonscious."

"I don't understand how they knew," James said, shaking his head.

"I've gone over the whole place," Tiny Tiger's owner, Lenny Babcock said. "I can't find any sort of bug anwyhere. Nope. No bugs here at Tiny Tiger's Drink Tank, just three blocks north of Tiger Stadium, between Suzie's Strip Joint and Randy's Hardware. That's Tiny Tiger's Drink Tank, your stadium outside the stadium for Tiger baseball."

"It doesn't matter how we know," Garris said, leaning forward over the booth, hiding half his face in shadows. "We know."

"I'm afraid it'll hurt business if all my customers get fined for talking about the game," Babcock said. "I mean, we're all huge Tiger fans here at Tiny Tiger's Drink Tank. I even have a foul ball I caught in 1993 sitting above the bar mirror."

The ball in question seemed to hum and shift a little, but it might have been a trick of the light. Moments later, a lawyer came in and handed Babcock a legal document fining him for $3,000 as well.

"Well, damn," Babcock said.

Garrison was suddenly unavailable for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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