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Friday, 30 September 2011

image for Usain Bolt is beaten in the 100 metres by a woman
Usain Bolt can only watch as Naima Bilal steaks past

The World's Fastest Man Usain Bolt still holds the title of the World's Fastest Man, but he can longer claim to be the world's fastest human. Naima Bilal from Nairobi has shaved three quarters of a second off his time.

"We were amazed," said African Games organiser, Caleb Flough. "We'd not predicted a woman to run that fast until 2056."

Miss Bilal puts her extraordinary, sub nine second time down to a strict regime of early nights, late mornings, good food and a rocket up her backside.

"I'd had a curry last night," she said after her extraordinary time. "As I was running, a little gas escaped, and I think this gave me a little extra burst of speed."

Jemale Umbunda, who finished second, some two seconds after Bilal, remembers the race slightly differently.

"Naima started farting around the twenty five metre mark," she said. "And kept farting to the seventy metre mark. It stank. I think she must have eaten cabbage curry."

Umbunda puts the stench down as the reason why she was two hundredths of a second slower than her personal best.

Usain Bolt took the news of losing his fastest person record with his usual aplomb.

"This is outrageous," he said. "If gas propelled running is allowed under the rule, I'm having a curry, beans and ex-lax cocktail before my Olympics race. I'll get that record back. I won't be stopping for a picnic just before the finish line either, like last time."

The other runners, including Britain's Owen Loser, are not looking forward to the 100 metres now.

"We can never catch Usain anyway," said Loser. "As well as eating his dust we're going to be breathing in his farts. The Olympic committee need to do something!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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