League One side Swanage Bakers IV have sent a loan request to Manchester City to take gravity defying Carlos Tevez on-loan, until someone can be bothered to take on his demands; one of them being that he is insists that he has a rotating hostess on standby 24 hours a day.
The Dorset-based club, who play Penzance Cadaver in a top of the table clash on Saturday, stated that they will stifle the moans of the malodorous twerp until either City can ship him off to their ocean prison, based in the Pacific, or some other mug can take on his demanding wages of a leg-shaped diamond delivered to his home, on a monthly basis.
Bill Earnwall, the long suffering chairman of Swanage, initiated the press conference with a game of musical chairs, where he insisted that all journalists must take part in their socks and pants. After the preliminaries, Mr Earnwall spelt out his statement using a Scrabble board, with letters made from Scones.
A football league insider wore a papier mache head of Barry Mcguigan outside the club, to protest that not enough Onions are put on display during a league match.