Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has announced a surprise selection for his named striker in the Champion's League match against Basel at Old Trafford.
After losing stars Wayne Rooney and Javier Hernandez to injury, Ferguson was said to be 'distraught' at the thought of what to do.
Rooney is out due to a knuckle injury he picked up on the way out of a Salford nightclub. Witnesses say he forgot his protective gloves, and he scraped them on the floor whilst leaving.
Hernandez is out due to her ongoing cosmetic surgery. She is said to be undergoing hair follicle removal on her arms and legs, and won't be able to subject her legs to fresh air, for at least four days.
With this in mind, Ferguson was stuck for the correct replacement. Still reluctant to play obvious choice Dimitar Berbatov, due to his inability to spell his name on the official team sheet, Ferguson called up little known star Fred The Red, the official mascot.
"Och, ee oo plaa reet on ta hoon," said Ferguson through a haze of gin and gum, his nose glowing brightly.
Pundits are unsure of his choice, however.
A passer-by told us "have you seen Fred's feet? They're huge! I just can't see him kicking a ball on target! And the size of his head? He'll be no good in the air. And he'll be a target for attack, he's bright bloody red!"
We then showed him a picture of Rooney.
"Point taken," he replied.