Dimitar Berbatov has been kidnapped by Mexican kidnappers demanding that he remains on the bench at United and when allowed to play, play like he did Saturday, crap!
The kidnappers are members of the dangerous, brutal and very nasty gang called: The DTACR'G (Death to all Chicharito rivals Gang) They are desperate to keep Chico in the starting eleven and are determined to remove any obstacles standing in the way of their mission including removing all of his rivals.
The last we heard from Berbatov was a video played on the internet, gagged, chained and promising never to play a decent game for United again (what's new?) otherwise the kidnappers would give him an IRA knee job special.
Chicharito, whilst recovering from a dead leg given to him by a marauding Stoke defender on Saturday has vowed to recover a.s.a.p so this brutal gang can release his team mate. He has promised to be on his knees for tomorrow's Champions League game.
Danny Welbeck, Michael Owen and Machida have been given personal security just in case one of them dares perform good enough to knock Chicharito down the pecking order.
A Mexican betting cartel is paying the kidnappers to do their dirty work because without Chicho partnering Rooney, the millions they bet on United winning the title look in danger!
Newsflash: Stoke defender Jonathan Woodgate has just been fished out of the River Trent!