A 3AM pity party turned into a press conference for one when Minnesota Vikings coach Leslie Frazier announced there would be no more halftime keg parties.
"It's obviously interfering with our performance on the field," Frazier said. During the preseason, Frazier made a deal with the players that he would throw a halftime kegger any time they led by two touchdowns or more.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Frazier said.
"I never thought it was a good idea," backup quarterback and rookie Christian Ponder said. He was immediately pantsed by tight end Visanthe Shiancoe. "Stop doing that!" Ponder cried amidst giggles and guffaws.
"I'm going to miss Adrian's kegstands," mused Jim Kleinsasser of the NFL's premiere running back. "Dude could stay up three minutes by himself, easy."
Peterson was unavailable for comment as he was passed out in the corner of the showers and mumbling something about "Seven years. Seven more years."
"Y'all don't know how to drink in Minnesota," Donavan McNabb slurred. "Take (wide receiver) Percy Harvin. He's in three different places on the field after the half and not one of them can catch the m--f-- ball!"
"Jerk," Harvin said, and ducked a punch from McNabb that would have missed by a good three feet.
Jared Allen, soon to be known as "Thor's Hammer" due to his devestating hits and this reporter's wit, had this to say: "I don't know. There's your headline. I don't know." He then downed another can of beer, grabbed a roll of duct tape, and added the empty to his wizard staff, by far the longest in the clubhouse.
"We'll turn the season around," promised Frazier, then added apropos of nothing, "We need a new stadium."
Good luck with that one, boys.
Note: Just before this story went to press, the Norse god of the Vikings, Thor, faxed this press release: "True, I am honored by Allen's new nickname, and consider him both a friend and comrade-in-arms, methinks it would be foolish to inscribe his jersey number (69) on mine hammer, Mighty Mjolnir."