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Wednesday, 21 September 2011

image for Arsene Wenger Has Gone Completely Mental - Says Bishop Of Dorking
A Youngster Attempting To Commit Suicide By Drowning After Reading The Dorking Review

Under fire Arsenal boss, Arsene Wenger may have enjoyed a resounding endorsement from the club's directors following Arsenal's appalling run of recent form, over approximately the last six years, but the Bishop Of Dorking remains firmly convinced that Wenger has gone completely mental.

Despite messages of support from such luminaries as Sir Alex Ferguson and the late Jock Stein and Bill Shankly, the latter, via famed TV medium Derek Angora, Wenger has enjoyed no such support from Arsenal fans.

"Maybe the boss should take up drink, drugs and excessive gambling," former Gunners star Paul Merson was reported as saying. "Admittedly, it didn't do me much good, but you never know."

Even Gunners legend, Ian Wright-Wright-Wright! has rounded on his former boss, stating unequivocally in his weekly column in the Framley Examiner that it's time for Wenger to go, with at least a semblence of dignity intact, before things get really ugly.

Insiders insist that Arsenal's alarming six-year fall from grace is a side effect of a long term strategy, designed to avoid calamitous debt levels as a result of the development of the Emirates Stadium, whilst maintaining a dynamic youth policy - the long term objective being to avoid the necessity for big money signings.

But the Bishop Of Dorking isn't wearing that as an excuse.

Bishop Nelson Fontanella declared:

"I don't care what they say about Arsenal's long term business objectives, Mister Wenger has gone completely and utterly mental. And I should know, because he's a neighbour of mine. I've seen him on his hands and knees out on the back lawn at 2am howling at the moon. It's tragic really, because I thought he was handling the Arsenal crisis really well. Then I saw him at Waterfall's book shop in Dorking, and thought it a little strange - he only ever usually reads the papers. The following day, when I greeted Mister Wenger over the back fence, he was drinking strong Belgian lager from a two litre jug, as he lay on a sun lounger, in the pissing rain, reading a book entitled, The Dorking Review. The poor bastard's never been the same since. It's fucking alarming really."

Latest reports suggest that Wenger is to escort Arsenal scouts Victor Nicholas and Erskin Quint up the Bumbogoola River in a log boat, up Eastern Nbomoland, in a desperate search for the new Liam Brady.

Tony Adams was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly taking Patrick Vieira for donkey riding lessons on the building site which is to become Manchester City's Football (?) Academy.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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