Written by Morse
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Tuesday, 20 September 2011

image for Obama Demands NBA Must "Pass this New Contract RIGHT NOW!"
Locked Out NBA Players Hoping to Ride Democrats to New Contract!

President Obama took time off from campaigning to throw his support behind the NBA player's union as contract negotiations have broken off and the owners have declared a 'lockout' threatening the 2011-2012 season.

In an informal rant after a pickup game on the White House basketball court, Obama took the owners to task for not giving into union demands during recent talks.

"The owners don't love me. If they loved me as much as the players love me, at least the Afro-American players, we wouldn't be worried about no season this year."

"It's time to share the wealth, cut back on the use of private jets for owners, and allow the players a decent salary so they can feed their families, pay their mortgage, car loans and personal obligations! Listen, after all, can these fat cat owners spend all they make...there's only so much you can buy!"

The owners currently give up 57% of all basketball related revenue to the players, and say they want to cut back on this percentage due to the higher energy costs, food costs, and fuel costs associated with Obama's 967 day reign which has killed the economy.

In addition, they are fighting against "guaranteed contracts" saying that they're locked into long term high paying contracts when a player doesn't perform, goes 'mental', or has a drug related relapse.

Said a long term Owner who spoke off the record, "Hey...we're a F***g business, not the government...if you don't want to work fine, but just don't expect us to keep paying your bills, health care and pension contribution every week...this isn't the Post Office!"

LA Laker's mega star, Kobe Bryant, say's things could be tough for some of his fellow players.

"I hope the President can get this deal done," he said from his yacht in the Mediterranean, "but if not, I'm offering to help out any of my Brothers making less than $5m a year. It's not easy trying to pay off 6 mortgages, 12 car loans, the jeweler, and your gambling habit, let alone dealing with multiple child support issues!"

Bryant, known to be a shrewd and very tough business man, said his staff is available 24/7 to issue cash for Title Loans and interim Pay Day Loans as long as the applicant is under contract with an approved team through at least 2015.

"I'm here to help," said Bryant, "except for anyone under contract with the Dallas Mavericks, I don't do fags!"

According to the Union Barry has drawn up a set of demands jotted down on a cocktail napkin and submitted it to the NBA. His terms are set out as follows:

*Players to get 95.6% of related basket ball revenues

*Drug tests declared unconstitutional

*League attorneys to defend all players for any and all alleged discretions including, but not limited to: threatening a team mate with a handgun in the locker room, non payment of gambling debts, rape allegations, false imprisonment, non child support and paternity issues, reckless driving, felony hit and run, driving without a license, wearing your game shorts below your buttocks, bank overdrafts and inciting riots by jumping into the stands to beat up an opposing fan who happens to be Italian American and a NJ Net fan.

*Abolition of the salary cap and reaffirmation of the "no trade clause" which the president has declared is 'worse than slavery.'

*Reparations for all fines paid by African-American Union members due to 'racial bias, discrimination and insensitivity to socio-economic conditions caused by George Bush.

Eric Holder has said he is standing by to enforce the proposed demands, saying his department 'stands behind the president on this pressing matter which affects the Human Rights of the players and reaffirms the Constitution of the United States regarding
the right to bear arms and hold up small business owners and taxpayers in order to ensure they pay more than their fair share!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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