QPR manager Neil Warnock has gone 'underground' to monitor his players off-the-field activities. "I have signed up on Twitter using an anagram and I am analysing their tweeted conversations without them knowing" revealed Colin Wanker.
Warnock has 'outed' himself as a spy to readers of his weekly column in the Independent. "I had been suspicious for some time and was tipped off about them using secret codes to organise covert meetings", revealed the QPR Head of Intelligence.
"I got the idea after going to see Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy at the pictures. My wife Sharon said it is a bit like being James Bond but it is working a treat", confessed Warnock.
The QPR boss has been decoding the players' tweets using extra powerful reading glasses and an old wartime A-Z. " I have caught @Joey7Barton having George Orwell sessions with @JayBothroyd. My back room staff have informed me that The George Orwell Arms is a moody boozer in Ruislip" explained under cover Warnock.
Warnock also revealed that @RealDJCampbell had been working as a double agent and had turned informer. "DJ has told me 'in strictest confidence' that Nietzsche is a lapdancing club in Shepherd's Bush and Joey and Jay have been visiting it after training" claimed the manager in a secret document leaked to the Acton Gazette.
"They will have to get up earlier in the morning if they want to pull the wool over my eyes" said the mysterious #ColinWanker1, whilst operating under an alias.