Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 18 September 2011

image for Man United - They Do What They Want - Like Stuff Chelsea 3-1
JT - Distracted By Miereles's Twattish Haircut

It may be early days yet, but it seems that Man United just do what they want, when they want, and there doesn't seem to be too much that anyone can do about it.

Today's game against Chelsea was hyped up to high heaven as youth versus experience, but it all came down to sublime football in the end.

To their credit, Chelsea huffed and puffed a great deal, and posed threats occasionally, but when United decided that they wanted to score, they did just that by way of an eighth minute Chris Smalling header.

It never looked like being Chelsea's day - Ramires, facing a gaping goalmouth was dramatically thwarted by United keeper David DeGea, who appeared to spring from nowhere to palm the ball to safety.

Even with the assistance of Raoul Miereles's haircut (Probably the most ridiculous haircut ever to grace the Premiership.) Chelsea were still left chasing shadows, as Nani scored his 19th goal in his 100th appearance, lashing the ball past Petr Cech from a couple of yards outside the Stretford End penalty box.

With half time rapidly approaching, United seemed to get bored with messing about, and decided to score another. A penetrating run by Phil Jones, a fumble from John Terry, a touch from Nani, and Rooney on hand to slide the ball into the unguarded Chelsea net for 3-0.

The Govan bloke looked a bit embarrassed as he strode towards the player's tunnel when the ref sounded the half time whistle. His Chelsea counterpart, Andre Villas Boas, sporting a sporty ginger beard, appeared to screaming at his coaching staff for extra toilet paper. It appears that 'squeaky bum' time has arrived early this season...

In a bizarre twist of second half fate, United allowed Torres in, to deftly flick the ball over former Atletico Madrid team mate DeGea. The Chelsea contingent were ecstatic - and at £25 million per goal they had every right to be.

Chelsea, in fairness gave it their best shot, but in the end it just wasn't enough. The ever dependable Torres rediscovered his form, and true to type blasted one attempt over the bar, and missed an open goal.

Feeling a bit sorry for the opposition, Rooney missed a penalty after Nani was brought down in the box by Bosingwa. In an unrelated incident Rooney hit the post, and some freak named Ashley Shithead almost took Chicharito's leg off above the ankle.

Shithead redeemed himself somewhat, by clearing an effort from Berbatov off the line, thankfully colliding heavily with the goal post and nearly ripping his own knackers off.

Commenting after the game, Sir Alex Ferguson praised the performances of Ashley Young, Phil Jones, Nani, Nuno Valencia - assuredly filling in at full back - Patrice Evra and David DeGea.

"It was an inspired victory," the Govaner told a packed press conference. "They played well enough, but our lads were really takin' the pish. I bought the entire squad a copy of a book called 'The Dorking Review' and that clearly provided the inspiration. We were always going to win after the lads had a good chuckle at that. I'd like to thank the writers of The Dorking Review - a tissue of lies, for helping us put that yacht owning cock from the King's Road firmly in his place. Thanks lads and that lassie frae Texas for that."

Chelsea boss, Andre Villas Boas was last seen frantically ordering copies of The Dorking Review online, muttering something about if Chelsea are to mount a credible title challenge, it's essential that Lamps and JT lighten up a little by reading The Dorking Review.

The man of the match award went to Raoul Miereles's fucking stupid Mohawk haircut.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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