In a stunning decision, the International Committee has announced that the thrilling sport of philately will be added to 2012 Summer Olympics.
Philately is more commonly known as "stamp collecting",
Hell, even I had to look the fucking word up!
International Committee spokeswoman, Mary Stamp was quoted as saying:
"We are proud to announce the addition of philately as our most exciting and premier sport of the Olympics. The best thing about the sport is that pretty much anyone can win a medal in it. It requires absolutely no athletic ability at all. It's like curling without a broom".
While the rules of the sport have not been fully determined, it has been announced that the sport will start on the first day of the Olympics and end before the beginning of the closing ceremonies. Philately will replace the marathon which will be dropped from the 2012 Summer Olympics because if there are any riots, all of the runners will probably get arrested anyway.
So what's the point in having it?
During the competition contestants will go about the city of London and its outlying regions on siren laden segways dressed in police riot gear and armed with a stamp book. The book will have the ability to shoot 38 caliber bullets.
Just in case.
The contestants are to spend time visiting shops that sell collectable stamps, stamp collectors and pretty much anyone willing to sell them a stamp for a pound or two. The contestant with the highest valued stamp book will be the winner.
TV stations covering the Olympics will set aside 15 minutes at the end of each televised hour for live philately action.
"Honestly", stated Spokeswoman Mary Stamp. "Who wants to see the women's gymnastics finals when we can cut away to Freddy Fraud's stamp shop in London's West End where Jerry Glue is looking over a one thousand dollar stamp and wondering: 'Is this a rare post Civil War stamp of Ulysses S. Grant nursing a hangover or is it just a 20 cent stamp of the Ayatollah Khomeini wearing a turban?'"
"Can you imagine the thrill of seeing if Jerry Glue gets out of London's West End alive!"
It doesn't get any better than this!