When Dallas quarterback Tony Romo finally emerged from hiding after the sure win against the Jets turned into an incredible loss thanks to his monumental three (3) brain farts, he blamed it on his addiction to wearing crotchless panties under his cup jock!
"I can't help it if I have this addiction to them," he said sheepishly, "It's something I just got in the habit of wearing during my single days when I was banging a whole bunch of those Hollywood reality stars…it's just role playing! Shucks, Coach Ryan (head coach of the Jets) is addicted to smelling bare feet and featuring his wife's naked toes on swinger sites and nobody blames his fetish when he loses a game, give me a break!"
A sports psychologist brought in by the Cowboys disagreed.
Said Dr. Johan Doppelganger, resident shrink at a famous Beverley Hills rehab center, "this is disturbing to say the least! An interest in woman's panties can be a mild sexual stimulant in the beginning, but eventually becomes a big problem, especially during sports when they have a habit of bunching up and becoming an irritant in the crack of one's ass."
Doppelganger commented while reviewing the game films citing Romo's fumble on the one yard line after taking the snap for what was a sure touchdown. "See…right there…you can see his ass muscles twitch as he bends over…an obvious irritant has taken his mind off the transfer….just like when he fumbled that snap for the field goal a few years ago costing them a playoff win!"
"And there, obviously he's distracted and in discomfort," as Johan pointed out Romo throwing the ball directly at a Jet defender for an interception," you have to have a clear mind to play quarterback in this league…you can't be focusing on your self gratification every moment when you're on the field!"
The head doctor said he had seen similar cases in the past at his clinic. "I have several clients who come to me to beat the addiction. Some of them, like Tom Cruise, can't emote properly in front of the camera unless they have a butt plug up there…they call it a STIMULUS for higher performance, I call it just another Liberal excuse for failure when all the chips are on the line!"
Jerry Jones appeared tight lipped and tight jawed when asked about the future of his
"As if things weren't bad enough before, now I have to worry about one more ass hole
trying to screw up our season! I never should have drafted this guy. On second thought I never should have let Jimmy Johnson go over that fetish with his hair. Everyone thinks being an NFL owner is all fun and games, let me tell you, it's not all it's CRACKED up to be!"
Tom Brady threw for a Patriot record 517 yards including a 99 yard scoring strike to Wes Welker as the Pats scorched Miami in their opening night debut.
Said Brady after the record setting night when asked about Romo, "hey, the guy has a problem. Everybody on this team goes Commando…that's why we're always hanging loose on offense….when you wear panties in this league it's guaranteed that when they get wadded up you're goin' have a sack problem….nobody can play with their balls getting pinched like that!"