Spoof news snippets from Thursday 9 March 2017
Fake Napoleon Scourge Threatens Isle of Wight
House & Home
with Aunty Jean
Now is the time to be protecting your garden against Dingoes, Wombats and Aborigines on walkabout. A good shotgun works for me. It keeps Jehova's Witnesses at bay too.
Planet Jupiter "Really a Hydrogen Balloon full of Dead Geese", Claims Procurator Fiscal
The Two David Livingstones are relishing their new semi at Burwash. "The lounge is especially lovely now we have our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake on the coffe table", they enthused, yesterday.
Buckingham Palace Car Boot Sale Ruined By Commanche Raid
Gravesend Police are hunting the gang who stole urine samples from their laboratory. "Somebody is taking the piss", said a spokesperson, yesterday.
Nude Eskimo Couple Refused Entry at Ascot
Local News Update
Twelve more papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We are up to our eyes with these busts", said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
Charcoal Stains Ruined My Life Claims Towcester Scullion
Another six papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have turned up at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "I'm at my wit's end with all these busts", claimed landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.
More Bad Weather Forecasts Forecast
A papier-mâché bust of Hereward The Wake has gone missing from a Horsham chicken-processing plant.
Bilge Pump Failure Blamed On Wasp
Among the newly-discovered unpublished Sherlock Holmes stories are The Adventure of the Crouching Bishop, The Pummelled Fop and The Adventure of the Yodelling Dwarves.
Suet Puddings Are The New Desuetude
A charcoal drawing of Winnie Mandela playing leapfrog with Lulu while Saki constructs a papier-mache bust of Hereward the Wake on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from Jim Dale's pornography collection.
Apartheid Still Active In Broadstairs Claims Disgraced Clown
The Two David Livingstones have moved into a new semi-detached at Cuckfield. "We had had enough of Hurstpierpoint, said David Livingstone, yesterday. "It was the catcalling drove us away from there."