Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 7 March 2017
Komodo Dragon Scourge Threatens Heckmondwike
Charles "Turnip" Townshend is a big fan of blues music. "After a hard day in my turnip fields, I like to kick back with some early John Lee Hooker or Skip James", he said yesterday.
Kim Jong Un Mourns Brother's Death by Having a Parade
Kim has been so upset he has cut time with the Comfort Squad to two hours, 55 minutes, from 3 hours.
Now Is The Winter Sale of Our Discount Tents
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable's latest creations include a bevelled aluminium mirror for older cats, a set of mollusc drills in universal sizes , and a rubber bathroom.
Butler's Clothes-Horse Nightmare
"Sometimes I get lonely and want a man", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil, "but as soon as I stand in front of a kettle of writhing eels, I'm cheery enough again."
Clement Freud Used To Salivate When I Showed Him My Kumquats, Claims Pwllheli Transvestite
The missing 3000-piece jigsaw of Lord Nelson and Lady Hamilton Strolling on Saltcoats Pier may not in fact exist, claims Ardrossan pet-shop owner Jonty McStoater. "I've nivver seen it", he said.
Valerie Singleton's Oboe Hell
It was in 1864 that Tesco Van Morrison, the Corsican explorer, crossed the Salt Mountains of the Upumboola Hinterland, and met the Crouching Omelette-Eaters of Wahabilli, who still worship Napoleon.
Tin Man "Based on Hitler's Dentist" Claims Salmesbury Gobshite
"I died in 1851", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, "but I still think that Rolf Harris is a genuine nonce. Now yon Jimmy Savile were different, a real man's man."
Devil-Worshippers Boiled My Canary
Alone Among the Blood-Gargling Mgungu Headhunters is one of the late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe's most remarkable books, perhaps second only to A Weekend in Oswaldtwistle.
Red light districts take on new meaning in Australia!
Traffic lights in Australia have now been liberated and tiny female figures will appear with their male colleagues! Transvestites and transgenders are over the moon, especially when they turn red!