Spoof news snippets from Sunday 5 March 2017
Trump Quiet for Sixteen Hours Straight
News media around the U.S. shut down for inactivity.
Self-driving cars "too expensive," critic says
Auto mechanic Ben Fixt says, at their anticipated price of $300,000 each, self-driving cars will be too expensive for him. "I'd rather walk," he said.
California home to most homeless
Due to its liberal politics and socialistic economy, The Golden State has more homeless and more rich people than any other state in America.
Bimbo Bread changes name
After being charged with sexism, Bimbo Bread is changing its name. Henceforth, it will be known as Virgin Slices.
Costco to cost more
Costco announced it's raising membership fees so it can continue to give shoppers low prices.
Pelosi vows to resist repeal of Obummercare
Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi says she's not about to sit idly by while Obummercare is repealed. "I need the insurance to pay for my plastic surgery and Botox!"
Lewinsky featured on new "adult" product
Monica Lewinsky's licensed likeness will appear on knee pads sold in adult bookstores and porno theater gift shops. Her face appears on each pad, above the caption, "At your service, Mr. President!"
Lindsey Graham confesses his love for John McCain
Senator Lindsey Graham said he's always loved his "good friend," Senator John McCain and, now that gay marriage is legal, Graham would marry him "in a heartbeat" if McCain proposed.
Pelosi says chat worse than semen
Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told Congress Clinton only "spilled his seed" on Monica Lewinsky; "Sessions spoke to Putin. Bill was impeached; Jeff should be, too. Talking to Putin is far worse!"
Lewinsky wears red and black, but not blue
With Monica the Mouth due to debut on TV, Monica Lewinsky twice appeared at Vanity Fair's Oscar party, wearing first black, then red. She won't wear blue, the color President Clinton ejaculated on.