Spoof news snippets from Thursday 2 March 2017
Boise, Idaho Ice Cream Man Eats Wife
"My favourite bible is The King James Bible", claims Dorking wife-beater Kevin Twatte. "It's usually heavy and solid. You can't do much damage with these poncey Books of Mormon or Jerusalem Bibles."
Bishop Removed From Mandrill
Highlights From The Cretin Channel
19:00 The Infinity Show - Professor Brian Cox tries to measure Heston Blumenthal's ego
21:00 Dickathon - James Corden talks to James Corden about James Corden
Canvey Island Magistrate Stuck In Rent Boy
Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer has joined a dating agency. "My first date was a disaster", he said. "When I suggested we could save money and time if she masturbated me in my car, she ran away."
Frank Bough Painted My Blind Uncle in the Nude
while Piscean lion tamers can expect a visit from a trans-sexual window cleaner. Meanwhile, Sagittarians will live up to their sign by wearing a loincloth to church.
"Strangle a Cat Today" Initiative Launched in Halifax
Former Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson is to concentrate on being a loud gobshite who makes a fortune from talking shite to an audience of morons.
Bishop Discovered in Tin of Mock Duck
Tim Burton's latest movie stars Johnny Depp as Helena Bonham Carter as Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp.
Japan's latest taste treats
Japan, which gave the world both gokkun and bukkake, now offers "animal cafes," where the eateries' mascots, dogs, cats, and even owls, can be slaughtered, butchered, and cooked on demand.
Cemex wants Trump to build wall
Mexican cement company Cemex offered the U. S. "cut-rate prices" for its product, which executives hope will be used to build a wall to keep illegal immigrants at home, where cheap labor is needed.
Rachel Dolezal changes name
Although Rachel Dolezal, a white woman pretending she's black, says she can't afford to pay her bills, she was able to pay for a legal name change and is now known as Out of Africa.
Jeff Sessions rescues himself from Russian investigations
Previously, Attorney General Sessions said he's had no communications with Russia. Now, pleading the 5th Amendment, he will have no communications with the Justice Department.
Big Ben's Bong is UK Eurovision entry 2017!
UK government have allowed the Big Ben Bong to be UK's 2017 entry for Eurovision! Theresa May is confident the Bong will win and show Europeans that British is best. The bell was Made in Germany BTW!