Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 15 March 2017
Socrates Lookalike Calls It A Day
"Mice turn me all queer", said Genghis Khan, yesterday. "It's their little stringy tails. I have to get up on my wife's shoulders if I see one in our yurt of an evening."
Eric Pickles Launches Speak Your Weight Machine Range
Cretin Channel Highlights:
20:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - Can Will.i.am out-jism Ed Sheeran?
21:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo probes the Wakefield Pantomime Horse Racing Scam.
Walrus Interrupts Daniel O'Donnell Concert
The imaginary wife of Dorking Batchelor Dick Palmer is no trouble at all, he claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know she was there", he said.
Peter The Great Slept In Fish Tank Claims Alloa Athlete
Among the books bequeathed to the nation by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Up the Zambezi In a Coracle, Through Northern China on a Penny Farthing and Alone Among the Kalahari Hermits.
Nude Postman Scandal Rocks Vatican
"Wombats drive me crazy, man", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "A wombat is one crazy marsupial. Those cats are really gone."
Centaur Infestation Threatens Littlehampton
A sepia photograph of James Clerk Maxwell playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has gone missing from Queen Nefertiti's umbrella stand.
Performing Crocodile Wedged In Bishop's Mitre
The Two David Livingstones aren't quite set in their new first-floor flat at Bosham. "We're still deciding on the best place to put our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake", they said yesterday.
Peebles Traffic Warden Killed By Falling Capybara
"I have no time for flat fish, such as plaice, skate or dabs", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil. "You can't get your hands round their throats. The flat bastards."
Camel Stops Traffic In Salisbury
More papier-mâché busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared, this time at Chichester Opticians I. Glazer & Son. "Our customers are tripping over all these busts", said Ian Glazer yesterday.
Trump Booby-Traps Tax Returns
Because of media leaks of his tax returns, Trump said that he has set huge traps on all his returns.