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Coracle Shortage Threatens Welsh Navy Bid

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil once tried to throttle a pygmy. "It was on a cheap last-minute holiday in Botswana", she said yesterday. "I was drunk and he got away."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
Rating:

Larry Grayson "Offered Cabinet Post By Thatcher" Claims Deal Whelkstall Attendant

"The Duke of Edinburgh ain't too bad", says Buckingham Palace lickspittle Terence Arselicker, "once you've got used to cleaning up the vomit and burying the half-eaten voles."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
Rating:

Jeremy Corbin Even More Unpopular Than Jeremy Corbin

His Holiness The Pope Talks About Admin Work:

"Office work? I should coco. Oy vey! All that schmutter. What are Cardinals for? Do I keep a dog and bark myself?"

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
Rating:

"Hermitian Operators Ruined My Life" Claims Eastenders Star

"I hate them daddy long-legs things, they give me the creeps", says Genghis Khan. "Folk'll not believe that of a man like me, but I do have depths like everyone else."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
Rating:

Tim Rice's Nude Unicycle Horror

Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claims to be the author of Dante's Inferno. "He wrote it all down, fair enough", he said, yesterday, "but only after I gave him the basic idea."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
Rating:

Piers Morgan's Owl Hell

Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with a mouse trap that can make tea. "Once I can get it to catch mice as well", he said yesterday, "I'm certain it will be a real success."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
Rating:

Lulu Gives Birth To Wooden Baby

Gideon Bable, Dorking inventor, has come up with a clockwork kettle that can tell the time. "When I manage to get it to boil water as well", he said yesterday, "it will be a real winner."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
Rating:

Trump to Hold Pep Rally in Nashville

We're not sure what to call it, so pep rally seemed good to me, said former cheerleader Kellyanne C.

written by Al N., 14 March 2017
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