Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 14 March 2017
Coracle Shortage Threatens Welsh Navy Bid
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil once tried to throttle a pygmy. "It was on a cheap last-minute holiday in Botswana", she said yesterday. "I was drunk and he got away."
Larry Grayson "Offered Cabinet Post By Thatcher" Claims Deal Whelkstall Attendant
"The Duke of Edinburgh ain't too bad", says Buckingham Palace lickspittle Terence Arselicker, "once you've got used to cleaning up the vomit and burying the half-eaten voles."
Jeremy Corbin Even More Unpopular Than Jeremy Corbin
His Holiness The Pope Talks About Admin Work:
"Office work? I should coco. Oy vey! All that schmutter. What are Cardinals for? Do I keep a dog and bark myself?"
"Hermitian Operators Ruined My Life" Claims Eastenders Star
"I hate them daddy long-legs things, they give me the creeps", says Genghis Khan. "Folk'll not believe that of a man like me, but I do have depths like everyone else."
Tim Rice's Nude Unicycle Horror
Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claims to be the author of Dante's Inferno. "He wrote it all down, fair enough", he said, yesterday, "but only after I gave him the basic idea."
Piers Morgan's Owl Hell
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with a mouse trap that can make tea. "Once I can get it to catch mice as well", he said yesterday, "I'm certain it will be a real success."
Lulu Gives Birth To Wooden Baby
Gideon Bable, Dorking inventor, has come up with a clockwork kettle that can tell the time. "When I manage to get it to boil water as well", he said yesterday, "it will be a real winner."
Trump to Hold Pep Rally in Nashville
We're not sure what to call it, so pep rally seemed good to me, said former cheerleader Kellyanne C.