Spoof news snippets from Saturday 11 March 2017
Eating Boiled Mice Cured My Shyness Claims Glen Hoddle
"The Duke of Edinburgh is all right", claims Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite, "but he does leave his shrunken heads all over the place. And he's always quoting the Venerable Bede."
Mary Berry's Top Hat Fetish
More of Ghengis Khan's Phobias
"I can't abide spiders in me yurt of a night, me", claimed Ghengis Khan yesterday. "I know it's hard to believe of a man like me, but we've all got hidden depths."
Albuquerque Nun's Croquet Hoop Hoard Unearthed
More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to cordon off the Snug Bar - it's full of these damned busts now", said landlord Colin Drab."
Malcolm Muggeridge Loved My Coddled Egg Suppers Claims Boy George
A sand sculpture of Sheridan Le Fanu playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from Jimmy Osmond's Garden Shed.
Cow Wedged in Chimney
"I wrote all Ravel's piano works", claimed Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth yesterday. "I was the real brain behind them. Ravel just did the music."
I Auditioned For Mungo Jerry Claims Archbishop
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says of Lady Gaga: "I think she's a real picture of beauty. Unfortunately, it's a Picasso."
Quorn is the New Cod's Head and Shoulders
More Highlights from the Cretin Channel:
20:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo investigates the Norfolk Punch & Judy Scandal
21:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - can Elton John out-jism Ed Sheeran?
I wrote "Land of Hope and Glory" Claims Idiot
Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact has had to abandon plans to reproduce the wooden Hot Water bottles of the Etruscans. "You can't get the wood these days", he said yesterday.
Owls Nesting In Archbishop
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil has little time for cod. "Their necks are too thick", she moaned yesterday. "You can't get your hands round them."
Cold Calling "Is Entrepreneuring At Its Best" Claims Con-Man
What's Happening In Towcester
The Roman Doorways exhibition at Sponne School has a fascinating display of wood and leather escutcheons! Catch the display of Victorian Milk Jugs at Towcester Museum while you can!
Eigenstates Are The New Soap Operas
A transparent statue of Cardinal Wolsey commissioned by Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford, is not an eye-sore, the Mayor claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know it was there", he told reporters.
Spitfires, Erskine Quint & Dr Who prove Made in Britain is best!
Sublime British eccentricity will prove to the world that "Made in Britain" is still the best! Restored Spitfires, Erskine Quint and Dr Who (who?) will never crash! Mad dogs & Englishmen rule!
Trump Reports He is Afraid to Talk Because of Fear of Being Wiretapped by Obama
Obama is awarded second Nobel Peace Prize.