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Eating Boiled Mice Cured My Shyness Claims Glen Hoddle

"The Duke of Edinburgh is all right", claims Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite, "but he does leave his shrunken heads all over the place. And he's always quoting the Venerable Bede."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Mary Berry's Top Hat Fetish

More of Ghengis Khan's Phobias

"I can't abide spiders in me yurt of a night, me", claimed Ghengis Khan yesterday. "I know it's hard to believe of a man like me, but we've all got hidden depths."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Albuquerque Nun's Croquet Hoop Hoard Unearthed

More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to cordon off the Snug Bar - it's full of these damned busts now", said landlord Colin Drab."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Malcolm Muggeridge Loved My Coddled Egg Suppers Claims Boy George

A sand sculpture of Sheridan Le Fanu playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from Jimmy Osmond's Garden Shed.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Cow Wedged in Chimney

"I wrote all Ravel's piano works", claimed Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth yesterday. "I was the real brain behind them. Ravel just did the music."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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I Auditioned For Mungo Jerry Claims Archbishop

Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says of Lady Gaga: "I think she's a real picture of beauty. Unfortunately, it's a Picasso."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Quorn is the New Cod's Head and Shoulders

More Highlights from the Cretin Channel:

20:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo investigates the Norfolk Punch & Judy Scandal
21:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - can Elton John out-jism Ed Sheeran?

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

I wrote "Land of Hope and Glory" Claims Idiot

Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact has had to abandon plans to reproduce the wooden Hot Water bottles of the Etruscans. "You can't get the wood these days", he said yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Owls Nesting In Archbishop

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil has little time for cod. "Their necks are too thick", she moaned yesterday. "You can't get your hands round them."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Cold Calling "Is Entrepreneuring At Its Best" Claims Con-Man

What's Happening In Towcester

The Roman Doorways exhibition at Sponne School has a fascinating display of wood and leather escutcheons! Catch the display of Victorian Milk Jugs at Towcester Museum while you can!

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Eigenstates Are The New Soap Operas

A transparent statue of Cardinal Wolsey commissioned by Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford, is not an eye-sore, the Mayor claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know it was there", he told reporters.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Spitfires, Erskine Quint & Dr Who prove Made in Britain is best!

Sublime British eccentricity will prove to the world that "Made in Britain" is still the best! Restored Spitfires, Erskine Quint and Dr Who (who?) will never crash! Mad dogs & Englishmen rule!

written by Jaggedone, 11 March 2017
Rating:

Trump Reports He is Afraid to Talk Because of Fear of Being Wiretapped by Obama

Obama is awarded second Nobel Peace Prize.

written by Al N., 11 March 2017
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