Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 1 March 2017
Quantum Foam Is The New Elvis
A 1924 sugar lift etching of Dan Leno playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats pier, while Mussolini smokes a Meerschaum pipe in the background, has been stolen from Cheryl Fernandez-Versini's handbag.
Yet More Classifieds
Jigsaw of the Beheading of John the Baptist (Disney Version);
20 tins of World War II Powdered Horse Milk - just add water and stand clear;
Two Severed Ears, not a pair, in Christmas paper.
Asstd Used Merkins, various colours;
Box of broken bottles - great for injuring cats;
Lovely 10000-piece jigsaw of the subatomic space
Plastic trivet for sale, lost its shape, hence low price;
Case of World War II Mock Horse Puddings, might no longer be eatable;
Bag of hair from shaved corpses, suitable for pillows, wigs, merkins etc
Pronking Is The New Cunnilingus
To discourage unwanted Jehova's Witnesses, answer the door completely nude, holding a haddock, and say "Would you mind holding my haddock while I masturbate?" They won't come back.
Horse Rescued From Mezzanine Floor
Award-winning poet Len Blatt's new work, a tour-de-force entitled A Brecon Threnody, is a set of sixteen sestinas, and tells the story of a poultry-farmer's struggle with mirrors and powdered egg.
I Milked John Craven While My Mother Slept, Claims Dover Pig Breeder
Late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe left behind works such as Get Creative With Yak Meat, More Things To Do With Yak, and Let's Try Horse For A Change.
Archdeacon Wedged in Chimney
Sidney Yardbrushe, the late travel writer, bequeathed us such gems as The Wheelbarrows of Siberia, The Hindu Kush in a Bubble Car, and the unpublished Bhutanese Girls Really Go.
Poltergeists Are The New Marmalade
Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with an electric shoehorn, a self-assembling jigsaw, and a miniature ladder set for pygmy window cleaners.
Find Love Now!
New Guinea Girls are waiting for your! Be the first one in your shitty town to install a tattoo-covered head-hunting bride in your bed-sit. They're desperate. They worship the Duke of Edinburgh!
More From The Cretin Channel:
21:00 Gobshite Britain: The team spends a day with Wayne Cunt, a tail-gating, BMW-driving Con-Man. They accompany him as he scams naive people out of their pensions.
EX-pat aliens saved by the Lord (s)!
If Theresa May had her way, ex-pats living in Europe would become unwanted aliens! Thank the Lord there are the Lords to put her to the sword and thwart her bullshit rhetoric; Amen!