Spoof news snippets from Monday 27 February 2017
I Had Tantric with Aled Jones, Claims Huddersfield Lorry Driver
"Prince Philip is a member of the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg", says Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite, "but that doesn't stop him blocking all the Palace toilets."
Jimmy Savile Milked My Secretary
Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite says "Prince Philip ain't so bad, though he brings dead mice in, and he pisses into the coal scuttle."
Bristol Undertaker in Corpse Substitution Horror
"I love watching A League of Their Own", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but it's more fun than my stupid Hungarian wife."
Hot Water Bottle Shortage Threatens Jutland
"I reckon that James Corden is a mint bloke", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but I still think him and Jamie Redknapp are the best thing on TV."
Cliff Richard Wedged Behind Tallboy
"Having a starved Grizzly Bear in my garden keeps them Jehova's Witnesses out", claims Wolverhampton housewife Viola Squon, "but the bloody vicar always fights his way through."
I Sleep With Jimmy Saville's Mummified Penis, Claims Bradford Cretin
Canterford-with-Lully's Chief Executive Loxley Waterbrass came out in defence of beleaguered Mayor Abelard Siskin this morning. It was raining, so he went back in again.
Defrocked Bishop Living in Upturned Wheelbarrow
"I'd like to get hold of that Donald Trump", said Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil yesterday. "I'd cut his throat, gut him and hang his pelt out to dry like any old eel."
Cats Are The New Pneumonia
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil was not always fond of eels. "I used to keep a guinea hen", she told Human Furniture Monthly, "until I got my hands on a bucket of writhing eels."
Man has day he forgot Trump is president
"Who knew food tasted so good!"
He also enjoyed neighbors, wife, kids, dog, wine, and wind on his face.