Spoof news snippets from Sunday 26 February 2017
Taliban leader asks Afghans for favor
Mullah Haibatullah Akhundzada asked Afghans to plant trees. "We need more places from which to ambush American dogs," he said.
Randy Quaid's act unconvincing
Has-been actor Randy Quaid was arrested at the border when, according to Mounties, he tried to impersonate a Canuck in order to illegally enter Canada. (The U. S. doesn't want him, either.)
You Can Tel It's Mattel: They Swell!
To keep up with the times, Mattel has introduced Transgender Ken. When his left arm is twisted, he grows boobs. "He can get as big as a 36C." Barbie says. "I'm jealous, because I'm on a 32B."
Boobs or Butts? Porn researchers know your preferred fetish
According to researchers, Internet users in the East prefer boobs, while Western Webheads would rather ogle butts. Penile preferences were not included in the study, as they're regarded as "too gay."
Scaffolding Delay Threatens Rod Stewart
"Of course Erskine exists. To suggest that we made him up to raise money for the Erskine Memorial Gardens development is ridiculous, said Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford-with-Lully, yesterday."
Discovery explains a lot
According to scientists, Neanderthal genes still influence our genes, especially those of Hillary Clinton.
Ollie returns to safety of zoo
After carousing the streets of the nation's capital, Ollie the bobcat, deciding he preferred the zoo, returned to his cage.
Facebook Killed My Wildebeest
In & Around Towcester
Visit Sponne School for the display of Roman Leather buckets. The Milking Stool exhibition at Towcester Museum is a rainy day must-see.
James Corden Is The New Barbarism
Cretin Channel Highlights:
19:30 Culture Hour: Melvyn Bragg discusses surrealist Max Ernst and Joey Essex talks shite.
22:30 Acid Heads: a profile of cult 60s band General Fruitbomb & The Hessian Cummerbund Sideshow.
Calm Your Karma With A Roadkill Diet
"I've always had a thing for eels", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil, "ever since my Uncle Rodger used to put them up my nightie when I was at Primary School."
Brian Jones Is Alive And Running A B&B In Hemel Hempstead
More From The Cretin Channel:
20:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off
Can James Corden and Joey Essex out spunk veterans Lionel Blair and Dale Winton?
21:00 Arse Disaster 2017: A Llandudno postman shits himself in his van.
Taylor Swift Is The New Spinning Jenny
"If I had to choose between a Fiesta ST and a Suzuki Swift Sport, I'd go for the Suzie every time", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but I'm still tempted to buy one."
AMD FX Series "a backward step" Claims Cork Gnome-Maker
Devon farmer John Barleycorne, the first man to have two wooden knees fitted, is a big admirer of The Leg of Lamb: Its Life and Works by surrealist writer Benjamin Peret.
Ted Heath Drank Milk From My Breasts
19th century Belgian Balloonist Jacques Dubious was famously modest, and keen to avoid an over-inflated reputation.
Heston Blumenthal Cooks His Own Head
The Bhongi Bhongi pygmies of Southern Ngongoland have worshipped the Meat & Potato Pie ever since it was introduced to them by Corsican explorer Tesco Van Morrison in 1856.
Elton John Wears a Nappy, Claims Ethiopian Boatswain
If you are a Sagittarian Oboe-maker, then you should beware of human furniture. Leos living in converted oast-houses can expect a traumatic Michaelmas. The spectre of Duck's Disease looms over Piscean masochists.
"Dale Winton Lived In My Airing Cupboard"
Home & Hearth
with Aunty Jean
Dear Elsie, I cured my over-affectionate husband by rubbing anti-Macassar oil into his privates.
Dear Violet, I always favour Nubian slaves. They're strong, handsome, and clean. Steer clear of those smelly Gauls, and Moors will rifle your drawers soon as your back is turned.
Clive of India "Invented Mashed Potato", Claims Grimsby Wife-Beater
Eric Pickles is enjoying his new job as a World War II Barrage Balloon. "I soon got the hang of it, and it's such a high!" he trilled, yesterday.
"Waiter, There's Soup In My Flies!"
Eric Pickles is managing nicely since being kicked out of the government. These days he is working part-time as a World War II Barrage Balloon at the disused Brunton Airfield in Northumberland
Do Androids Dream of Electric David Bellamys?
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil is looking for love. "I want a man who can handle eels", she said, yesterday. "Failing that, I'll stick to eels."
White House Leak "Came from the Top".
The latest in a series of damaging leaks from the White House has been traced to the top of Donald Trumps head. Orange liquid is believed to have been seeping for several months.