Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 21 February 2017
Tapir Infestation Threatens Glastonbury
The hot water bottle was an Etruscan invention, claimed Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact, yesterday. "All this talk about the wooden hot water bottles of the Ancient Greeks is nonsense", he scoffed.
I Was Peregrine Worsthorne's Gimp, Claims Eric Pickles
"The bottom has fallen out of the hot water bottle market", claimed Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact yesterday. "It's never been the same since Denis Thatcher did that advert for electric blankets."
Fishkettles Are The New Liberace
Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says: "Actually, I love Wagner, he's not as bad as he sounds. And Desmond Tutu's erotic sonnets are my absolute favourite."
Flood-Damaged Larry Grayson Jigsaw Turns Up in Ethiopian Brothel
Libran librarians should avoid old haddocks, while Cancerian goat-herds can expect an encounter with mysterious dung. Thursday is not auspicious for Sagittarian balaclava-lovers.
Jeremy Corbin Goes Commando
Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil says: "I always think that Labi Siffre would be good with eels. Not as good as mashed potato, but good enough for me."
James Corden Explodes
Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha loves housework. "I died in 1851, but it still keeps me happy", he sang yesterday.
"Shirley Bassey was my favourite singer when I was younger", admitted Prince Andrew, yesterday.
David Cassidy; who?
Ageing pop star and member of the Cuckoo, Turkey, Chicken, bla, bla Family (Now what the fuck was their name?) has admitted he has forgotten who he is, thank heavens we have too!
Trump Nukes Sweden
"That's what they get for trying to cover up a terrorist attack on their soil!" he thundered, while randomly pushing every red button in sight.