Spoof news snippets from September 2016
There were 66 spoof news snippets published in September 2016. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
The Wall Already Exists
Trump keeps talking about building a wall along the Mexican border, which the press keeps reporting. But there's enough wall now so Illegal entrants must cross through remote areas that kill many.
Gov. Paul LePage To Be OK
The governor, who is out of control, said today that he will hold his breath & not talk to the press or anyoneelse. "Good idea, said an opponent, "If he holds it long enough he might become sane.
Real Welfare Queens
States run by Republicans, states that voted against Obama in both elections rely on federal funding for a very high 34% of their total state budget although they say they hate the federal government.
Top North Korean Official Executed
Glorious leader Kim Jong-um had him killed because of "disrespectful posture" at a meeting. Officials are rushing to back surgeons to have steel rods implanted to force them to sit straight.
Clinton Apologizes For Understating Trump's Bigoted Support
Hillary Clinton today apologized for saying only 1/2 of Trump Supporters were xenophoic, Sexist, and racist. "The number, survey show, is closer to 65%" the candidate said/
Desperate Cosby Lawyers Play the "Race Card"
This is in spite of the fact that Cosby once told blacks to stop blaming race for their troubles.
BOJO's Brexit Bullshit!
Top Brit buffoon, BOJO, has now come out and told the world he did not really want Brexit and only supported Farage's exit group because he's an even bigger buffoon than BOJO! That's politics for you!
Angelina Jolie Leaves Brad Pitt for Jeniffer Aniston
"I'm devastated!" said Brad. "I had no idea!!"
Trump Announces His New Platform Will Be Revealed Only to a Trusted Few
"I am building a wall around my platform, and unless you pay, you don't get to see it!" said Trump.
Trump Declares Hillary Unfair for Using Facts During Debate
Trump was compelled to constantly interrupt Hillary to hide the fact that his nose kept growing.
Trump Claims His Microphone Was Faulty...
...you could actually hear him.
Trump's Great Achievement
Trump has done more to tarnish the image of America than all of the Isis and extremist Muslim propaganda.
Finger Prickin Good
KFC changes slogan for Diabetis Awareness campaign. New logo also features testing meter, a drumstick, and lancet.
Ben Carson Chastises Trump But Can't Remember What For
Carson criticized Trump for recent statements he said but stopped abruptly when his luggage came.
George H.W. Bush Joins Church of Scamatology
"They promised to make me disconnect from the rest of my family. That's what sold me!" said Bush.
Princess Charlotte Speaks First Words
William and Kate admit they don't even know what the word "Brexit" means and fired the governess.
Recent Outbreak Of World War Three Remains Largely Unreported By Media
'There's no public interest,' said a media spokesman. 'It's all been rather overshadowed by the trial in the Archers and the channel swap of the Great British Bake Off.'
New Biography Out On Trump
Did you hear about the new Trump biography- titled DSM V?
Trump Announces He Will Pee In Cup in Front of Entire Nation to Prove He's Healthy
And Trump dares Hillary Clinton to do the same!
Angie Merkel busted in Berlin!
It was not quite a "Reichsbunker" meltdown, but Angie Merkel's CDU got "blitzed" by the right-radical AFD party in a local election in Berlin. Aufwiedersehen Angie, willkommen AH!
Trump Will Build a Wall on Mars to Keep Martians from Invading Earth
And he will make the Martians pay for the wall!
Hillary Has Caught a Virus from Her E-Mail Accounts
The virus was tracked down and found to be from <classified>.
IS Revealed As Major Customer For Samsung Galaxy Note 7
'We use them on half-charged batteries until we are forced to withdraw from a town,' said an IS spokesman. 'We then leave the phones behind - plugged in and charging.'
The Reason Trump Admitted Obama is American-Born
Trump's brain is full from trying to remember too many things. He has too few brain cells as it is.
Bill Clinton Admits He's Voting for Trump
"It's bad enough now living with her.Can you imagine how it'd be if she was President?" he admitted.
Sarah Palin and Dan Quayle to Form Vice Party
Palin and Quayle will promise to endorse anyone who will appoint them to ANYTHING.
Ted Cruz Endorsement of Trump Assures Trump of Misogynist, Insane and Homophobic Votes
Trump is hoping Scott Baio can hook him up with an endorsement from Pamela Anderson or Erin Moran.
Trump Tries to Back Out of Debate When He Finds Out About Lying Sanctions
Lying sanctions kind of destroy his whole platform.
Tired of Tiny Hands, Trump Will Undergo a Hand Transplant
"Once I have normal hands, I will be unstoppable and unbeatable!" trumpeted Trump.
Bill Cosby Applies for Visa to Visit His Friend Roman Polanski
"It'll just be a short visit and I'll be back in time for my court appearances!" swore Cosby.
New England Football Manager Sacked Before Most People Realised That He Had Been Appointed
'Ol' whatshisname's been given the heave-ho,' said my next door neighbour. 'I don't know why yet, but I expect it's just another routine football corruption scandal.'
Republicans No Longer Blame Obama for Everything Wrong With the USA
That's because they are transferring the blame to Hillary.
Trump Will Use an Air Horn and a Ref Whistle in the Next Debate
It's driving Trump crazy that nothing he does seems to faze Hillary.
Obama Forced To Take Back Way Off Plane in China
"It's not because he's black that we snubbed him," explained China. "It's because he's a lame duck."
High Quality Printer
New high quality computer printer released. To ensure you have "optimum quality" it will print five test pages in full colour every time you start it up ensuring to have to buy more ink asp.
In a bid to trash gender stereotyping a video showing men having babies has gone viral.
Music Industry Announcement
"We no longer require individual creative expression in music... we have our wannabes, our market researchers... and our computers. Now, all artists, please listen, get wise...fu%#Kk off!
The Catholic Church is to scrap the CONFIRMATION RITE whereby teenage kids are rechristened "Warriors for Christ". "Don't want Muslims to get the wrong idea," explained the Pope.
"A police officer was attacked in Paris yesterday with a knife. Injuries not life threatening."
FACTS: There were 573 murders in the UK in 2015 and 100,000+ cases of violent assault including rape.
Worse Than Cancer
A disease worse than cancer is spreading worldwide. It is called the THEORY OF EVOLUTION taught as 'fact' to our children at school on behalf of the NWO.
What's a Leppo?
According to Libertarian Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson, a "leppo" is a male baby leopard.
To the rest of the world, "Aleppo" is a place of major conflict in Syria.
Cure at Last!
Atomosophobia is the fear of atomic explosions.
"Exposure to the fear is the only real cure", says the NWO Royal Psychiatric Commission on The Prevention of Sanity.
Blessed Virgin Appears In Ireland
Killybegs Donegal; The Virgin Mary has appeared to three schoolgirls in an orchard. She spoke to them for hours. When asked what She said, the eldest replied:
"Couldn't understand a friggin' word."
Bush's Press Secretary Shares Glory
Ari Fleischer who only today released six pages of notes that he made describing President George W. Bush's reaction to hearing of 9/11 has been nominated for the Pullitzer Prize for fiction 2017.
New Google Mail
The new Email is faster and more reliable than ever!
2. Credit card number.
4. Annual income.
6. Favourite authors/music/movies.
7. Blood group.
Donald Trump Seeks Legal Advice on Moonlighting
Sources have revealed Trump has a job offer in public relations from Russian Republic President Vladimir Putin. The moonlighting job will offset his lost income from closing Trump University.
Man Arrested Outside White House
WASHINGTON: A man,thought by many to be a human being, was today arrested outside the White House. Said arresting officer Chuck Braine: "No human beings allowed in here, only elected representatives."
Reporter Stumps Trump
Trump is asked to accuse an opponent/enemy of something other than what Trump himself has been accused of.
Basket of Deplorables
Now available as a bouquet from FTD Florists.
It includes the most allergy inducing flowers.
Many voters relieved election over in less than 60 days...
until they realize Trump will not handle winning OR losing well
Couple Unwisely Go on Boat Outing with Fighting Couple
"Don't ever get on a boat with a captain who is fighting with his wife," advises Doug Warren.
Wise words, hard learned.
Working class families are "incestuous".
Middle class families are "closely knit".
Ruling class families are "firmly tied".
Sinn Fein Northern Ireland
N.Ire. Political Party Sinn Fein (means "We Ourselves Alone") are seeking funding for Sinn Fein in the wake of the Brexit vote. Anyone that has any money please contact Sinn Fein and give it to them.
New 'Bake Off' Lineup Announced.
When 'Bake Off' hits C4 it will be presented by David and Samantha Cameron with Jamie Oliver and Tana Ramsey rounding out an all Tory line up the channel hopes will appeal to Little England.
"Step Out of the Shower and Put Down the Toaster"
Suicide Hotlines have seen a dramatic surge in calls since polls have shown Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton to be in a tight race.
Trumpkins are on Their Way
As Halloween approaches the US braces itself for minions of carved pumpkins in the likeness of Donald Trump.
EPA Called in To US Election
Violations of the Clean Air Act and identification of a mobile brownfield site containing a "hazardous substance, pollutant, or contaminant" has kicked the agency into emergency response mode.
Dangerous Drinking Game Grips Nation
Countless hospitalized drinking to Trump speeches:
1 drink beer: "tremendous" "huge" "so fast, believe me"
1 drink hard alcohol: "there is something going on"
Super-hold Hair Spray Caused Trump's Sniffling During Debate
But his hair was beautiful.
Now 8 Words you Can't say on the Radio
FCC just added the B-non-word which is bigly.
Rosslyn Chapel is to be excavated. "If the Knights Templar's treasure looted from Solomon's temple is buried there this is a matter of global concern. To hell with Scottish tourism!", said Dr. Hamish.
YouTube gives a thumbs up to hosting celebrity sex tapes
In response to the #free-the-Johnson hashtag started by Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, YouTube will now dedicate a special celebrity sex tape channel in partnership with PornHub.
An ancient legal document has been found outside Jerusalem. It cites the Sanhedrin indictment against "...the man Jesus Christ. He refused to turn to God and ask forgiveness for his blasphemy."
Dead Sea Scrolls Revelation
During the Satanic ritual of his crucifixion Jesus cried out to the assembled throng;
"Father forgive them for they know not what they do."
"Get over yourself Jesus!" came the response.
BBC - Hollywood
Warner Bros of Hollywood are in negotiations with the British Parliament to take over the BBC on behalf of the Obama administration.
Our mission .. to so confuse the sheeple that they will believe black is white and white is black. Our means for achieving this?... TELEVISION.