Spoof news snippets from May 2016
There were 90 spoof news snippets published in May 2016. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Department Of Justice Sues North Carolina To Make Bathrooms Attractive To All Genders
North Carolina is being forced by the DOJ to have both Man Wipes and Fresh Flowers in all bathrooms.
Jim Carrey Called a Schizophrenic
When asked whether this was true, he said it was not, then suddenly started to have a conversation with himself.
If Elected, Trump Promises A Free Bottle of Trump Vodka to Every Family in Flint
"This is the best solution to the Flint Water Crisis! Trump's publicist John Miller told the press.
Devil Involved in 28 Paternity Suits
The Devil, aka Satan & Lucifer, has once more been named as the father in 28 new paternity suits.
Raccoons Sue To Stop Use Of "Reverse Raccoon Eyes" To Describe Donald Trump
The animals claim they have reverse Trump eyes.
Trump Limo Crashes, Eye Bags Save The Don From Serious Injury
The driver and an assistant were treated at a Pittsburgh hospital for their injuries.
Ronald McDonald Not Ready To Support Trump
"He's still a few fries short of a Happy Meal," said the beloved McDonald's Spokesclown.
Film at 10 o'clock
I am currently wearing rubber nipples, whilst riding a donkey, on top of a sopranos singer. Film at 10 o'clock.
How Not To Die
2. Don't have a heart attack
3. Don't get sexually active with Donald Trump
Ben Carson Has Joined MySpace in Order to Impress Trump With How Hip He Is
"I know Donald wants his Vice-President to be able to relate to the kids also," said Carson.
Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kicks Donald Trump
We managed to speak to Mr Trump, and he said 'Ouch.'
Special One replaces Senile One!
Man United have at last replaced The Senile One with a Special One! In fact this was the best unkept secret in this history of modern footy because Man City fans became suicidal many months before!
North Korea Launches Missile Which Goes Wrong Way
A North Korean missile misfired into Pyongyang and blew up a Kim Pleasure Palace. Heads will roll!
Trump University Receives Accreditation
It was validated by the Trump Validation and Accreditation Committee.
Kim Jong-Un Demands Katy Perry Join His Pleasure Squad
Kim says that the US will be sorry if his orders aren't met. He will consider Taylor Swift instead.
Jamie Vardy was abducted by aliens!!
Speedy Leicester striker, Jamie Vardy, was abducted by aliens and they transformed him from an amateur no-hoper into a world-beater! Louis van Gaal has begged Jamie for the alien address, guess why?
Trump Will Use Basketball Lingo to Negotiate with North Korea
"I know politics and I will get through to Kim Jong-Un when I talk basketball and win his respect."
Kanye West and Justin Bieber Announce Museums All About Them
In a coincidence, the two biggest narcissists ever announced opening museums for their fans today.
Trump Loses Millions in Nigerian E-Maill Scam
Business tycoon & self-reported financial genius has lost stockholders $8 million in an online scam.
Ted Cruz Says God Has Higher Plan For Him
Ex-Republican candidate Ted Cruz claims God has told him he should run for Pope instead of POTUS.
Fox News Reports That Obama is to Blame for Republlican Party Lack of Candidates
With no viable candidates for the 2016 election, Fox reports Obama must be blamed for GOP's decline.
New On NBC, Dancing With The Starch
NBC's new TV show where competitors lose weight while dancing.
Ex-Wives Talk About Trump
The billionaire's ex-wives all agreed that the worst thing about having sex with Donald Trump was having sex with Donald Trump.
Britain's New, Plain Speaking Foreign Policy To Be Implemented Gradually
'The PM called Nigerians and Afghans corrupt, and the Queen said the Chinese were very rude,' said a Government spokesman, 'but there are no current plans to offend the Frogs, Krauts or Dagos - oops.'
The World Bank Speaks
Give us our money or else!
Woody Allen Doesn't Get Jokes Aimed at Him So He Doesn't Care
Woody Allen, the butt of a pedophile joke told at Cannes, said he doesn't understand comedy anyways.
Trump's Taco Bowl Controversy
"I love Hispanics," the billionaire said, "they taste great!"
Scamatology Leader Denies He Ever Wet the Bed and Cried Himself to Sleep Like His Father's Book Said
Imagine his surprise when he found out his father never mentioned that stuff.
Scamatology Leader Denies He Ever Wet the Bed and Cried Himself to Sleep Like His Father's Book Said
Imagine his surprise when he found out his father's book never mentioned that stuff.
Music Ballad Survey
In a music survey of the 'best' ballads of the last decade it was found that ALL OF THEM without exception were sheeple-exploiting self-pitying crap.
Trump Says His Publicist John Miller's Birth Certificate Is Missing
Trump's publicist, "John Miller," thinks his lost birth certificate is "in a drawer somewhere."
Final Blame For Man U Bomb Lies With Fido The Sniffer Dog Says Firm Who Planted Fake Device
'Fido the sniffer dog failed to find the fake bomb,' said a spokesman for the firm that planted the device. 'It was all his fault, and the animal has been put down as a warning to the other dogs.'
Hitler's Legacy Lives On
Before we get to the article, we would like to thank MacDonaldTrumps and their tasty Trump burger for their cash.
Breaking News Flash
Dial 555-0100 for a free steak!
The End is Nigh
I keep thinking it's Tuesday.
Scientific Discovery of the Century
Scientists have just found that Micheal Jackson, Bruce Lee and Jesus are all currently on a spiritual journey in Chuck Norris' beard.
Ted Danson Announces Retirement
He will only appear in five different TV series next season.
Amazon Books Asks to Have Amazon River Name Changed
The Amazon lawyers claim the river is infringing on their trademark.
Jeff Koon's Controversial 'Piece'
A show of Jeff Koons' work now in London boasts a giant sculpture of his own pooh. Critics say:
(3). "Very DuChamp".
(4). "Speaks volumes".
(5). "A load of shite".
Ted Cruz to Run as Whig Candidate
Told the Whig Party hadn't existed for over 100 years, Cruz replied, "That's why it's so perfect!"
Bill Cosby Explains That Fat Albert is Actually a Separate, Evil Personality
"So the person you want for all these accusations is really Evil Fat Albert," explained Cosby.
Cameron Warns That Withdrawal From Europe Will Invoke The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse
A Britex campaign spokesman has accused the Prime Minister of making ridiculous, exaggerated claims to obscure the certainty that staying in Europe will cause Britain to sink beneath the North Sea.
A Day in the Life of Arthur Lemming
Arthur Lemming woke to a sound that sounded like a car was crashing through his window.
The chief of police looked down at the body under the car and said "Damn."
Trump Gives New Meaning to the Phrase "Trumped Up"
It used to mean exaggerated, now it means totally fabricated, totally made up.
Trump Studying Scamatology to Learn Brainwashing Techniques
Trump learned well and ended up converting the Scamatology org into a Trump campaign headquarters.
Republicans Claim Oil is the Cleanest Fuel
That is, unless the solar or the wind people want to step up with some campaign contributions!
Donald Trump Interrupts Orgy
What an utter bastord.
NWO Soon to Announce Victory.
The New World Order is soon to announce the achievement of its 3 aims.
(1). Evidence or the lack of it means nothing.
(2). Male is female and female is male.
(3). All sheeple are deaf, dumb and blind.
How Does the New World Order Work?
They give you power so that they can use you.
Political power, money power, media power, legal power etc.
THEY control the people you've been conditioned to believe are in control. They are not.
"Multi-Sexual": A new Sex Label for the Sheeple.
Don't fit in? In desperate need of a social label? How about "Multi-Sexual" recently 'discovered' by scientists at the Tavistock Institute. "Multi-Sexual" means Straight+Gay+Up for Lesbians, family members, quadrupeds and Japanese robots.
"The Criminals Behind 9/11 Will be Prosecuted."
So, said the ghost of J.F.K who appeared recently at a seance in Hollywood. When asked "by whom?", he vanished.
The News That's Fit to Print?
I think we're getting to the point where international newspapers, like Le Monde or the UK's Financial Times, are beginning to cover the US election in the gossip or entertainment section.
UK Prime Minister David Cameron was "insulted" this morning when a man refusing to give his name phoned to tell him to "F*###k!! Off" A full police investigation has been launched.
How to Get Rid of Your Conscience in 2 Easy Steps.
1. Believe in a delusion called 'selflessness'.
2. Find a 'Higher Cause' to serve.
To exercise both to the max however, you may have to wait for World War Three.
Question from a 10 Year old.
Why are whole countries afraid of banks? Why can't they just say to them..."We'll pay you back when we can afford it. In fact, if you don't behave yourself, we may not pay you back at all." That's what my mum would say.
Cameron. "The EU Has Kept Peace in Europe".
No doubt about it. Without the EEC formed in 1993 Germany would have declared war against France, Spain against Italy, Austria against Poland and Ireland against the lot.
Air Drone Attacks
"Are air drone strikes 'legal?'" lawyers want to know.
Is mass murder 'legal'? we all don't need to know.
Monsanto CEO announced: "Today, we released genetically modified PLANKTON into the Atlantic. Henceforth, anyone who catches a fish from a herring to a whale must pay us... or face legal prosecution."
The Laid-Back Singer Awards 2016
Los Angeles: The prestigious LA, Laid-Back Singer awards have just been announced for 2016. Winner is Michael Bublé.
Lifetime achievement award goes to Perry Como with Bing Crosby a close second and Frank Sinatra third.
Runner up was Ramesses II.
The Three Most Plentiful Things on the Planet.
3. Close-ups of women's asses on Vimeo.
Final Farewell to Timothy Leary
All is transient Timothy.
How the hell could you have missed it?
"We have Failed to Centralize Europe." (European Parliament)
Suggestion... Why don't you naff off out of it whoever you are and leave Europe and those who live there alone? Go home where you can inflict yourself on people you know!
"The EU wants a superstate, just as Hitler did..." (Boris Johnson)
Now when exactly did you make this discovery you budding Tory PM you? Perhaps, your old man Sir Stanley, who worked tirelessly for the EU and the World Bank accidentally dropped it in conversation?
After Ken Livingstone and Boris Johnson talking of Hitler now we have Boy Scouts advocating My Camp.
"Conspiracy Theory" Gone
The phrase "conspiracy theory" is to be replaced in the media by "STRATEGY THEORY" because the former implies malevolence whereas targets of "strategies" are simply unlucky... and cannot be 'victims'.
When is a Duck NOT a Duck?
"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..."... it may not be a duck. It may be a hawk pretending to be a duck.
Never too old!
When I was a young man and the entire world lay before me, I dreamt of having BMW's.
Now....I am an old man.
I have BFW's.....burps, farts and wheezes.
TRUMP the next President.
How do we know?
The Media tells Americans what to think.
All of them?
Most of them.
"Look at the size of the fu##k'in teeth on that bastard!"
Last words of an English tourist 'taken' by a Great White while fishing off the coast of Tasmania.
Woman Thought to Have Been Dead is Found.
lONDON. A Woman thought to have been dead for over fifty years was yesterday discovered by her husband.
"I woke up... and there she was... lying beside me," said he."
Secret of Rapid Ageing Revealed.
LONDON: Scientists at the Tavistock Inst. have discovered that "rapid ageing" is directly caused by being timed while getting old.
Ego Mania at its Best
The only person smarter than "Bill Clinton" is 'Bill Clinton'.
Obama's New Executive Order 13604
Congress is no longer empowered to pass laws.
Trump Ponders Choice of Running MILF
"Sierra Paylin or Anne Colter. They both have big boobs, and both make me look rather sane by comparison. How to choose, how to choose..."
Barack Obama To Be Crowned Emperor
Obama is to be crowned First Emperor of the New World Order at a special ceremony conducted by Pope Francis at the Vatican Basilica this August 4th, his birthday.
Don't Mess With Texas?
After a springtime full of heavy flooding and tornados, Texas is changing its famously assholeish state moto from 'Don't Mess With Texas!' to 'Texas Is A Mess, Don't Bother Coming!"
Soldiers Given Anti-Malaria Drugs
UK:Anti-Malaria drug LARIAM given to soldiers produces panic attacks, hallucinations and mental impairment. Ministers suggest it be given to troops BEFORE they are sent abroad, not afterwards.
"Bond... James Bond... but you can call me "Sheila"".
As part of the general "gender confusion" aimed at the young and being vigorously promoted at every level by the NWO's 'Gay' lobby the next James Bond will be a bi-sexual transvestite.
Breaking Ironic News: Man uses internet to complain about sleaze on TV
Gender Bending Marches On
The gender-bending agenda underpinning the NWO's drive for total sheeple mind control has taken a deadly turn. All US college students must now wear the same uniform... a short skirt over long pants.
New Oscars Category
For the 2017 Hollywood Oscars, there will be a new category..."THE BEST MOVIE CLIP OF ALL TIME".
Nominations from "Casablanca", "High Noon" etc are in; but hot fav is Bond being chipped in Spectre.
Drug Athletes Protest
23 athletes who tested positive for drugs in London's 2012 Olympics have called for the House of Commons to be drug tested regularly. "No competitive sport should be exempt", said their spokesman.
Obama in Hiroshima
Mr. President saying all the 'right' things.
"Death fell from the sky.", said he.
Never rains but it pours, eh?
Suicide Bombers and Alkies
Psychiatrists at the Mind Control Tavistock Institute, London have found close link between suicide bombers and alcoholics. For both, DEATH is the most important thing in life.
'Cosby' now a verb in dictionary
Webster's Dictionary has announced that the word 'Cosby' is now recognized as a verb. Example: I met a chick at a bar last night and Cosbied her; she had no idea the next day.
First Robotic Homicide
Tokyo: An elderly businessman has been strangled by his housekeeper Robot. ""Matilda" simpry malfunction," explained the maker. "We not know why. Mr. Maki should have asked for character reference."
Children's Mental Health Crisis.
UK: Government says;"We are spending too much money on children's mental health."
True. Psychosis, anorexia, gender confusion, depression,.. escalating.
Suggestion: Why don't we stop driving them MAD?
Who ARE The "Illuminati"?
Any nutter who believes that he/she has a God-given right to work on people's minds and lives for their own purposes. Politicians, bankers, scientists, media dudes etc. They like to hang out together.
"The Screecher"...Coming to a Lawn Near You
"The Screecher", the loudest lawnmower yet, has arrived. Is a typhoon? Is it a low flying bomber? A crew drilling for oil? No! It is the idiot next door doing his lawn. And he won't go to jail either!
Obama's New Executive Order 13605
"The law of Cause and Effect can no longer be applied to political decision making. In its place we have established The "Law of Acausal Happenstance". This will henceforth inform our foreign policy.