Spoof news snippets from March 2016
There were 61 spoof news snippets published in March 2016. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Nigerians make $16 billion dollars vanish!
Nigerian magicians working with corrupt politicians have made $16 billion dollars vanish into thin air! This marvellous trick was so brilliant not even the local Witchdoctor noticed! Black Magic!
Trump Buys Rights to Rump Roast, Will Rename it Trump Roast
Trump objects, however, to people calling their sump pumps Trump pumps.
North Korea Will Use Atomic Weapons For Executing Political Dissidents
After using starving dogs and anti-aircraft weapons to execute criminals and political opponents, North Korean despot Kim Jong Un will try experimenting with using nuclear weapons next.
Ben Carson Found After Being Missing for 3 Days-He Was Backstage Waiting for His Name to Be Called
In Ben Carson's case, brain surgery is much easier than politics.
Donald Trump to Debate Himself
Convinced he wasn't getting enough airtime in the Republican debates, Donald Trump announced that he will debate himself and cover the pertinent issues he doesn't get asked about-like his life story.
Ghost of Royal Mother To Stop Haunting Royal Palaces
Really, do I have to come out and say it? Prince Philip farts! Even a ghost has limits!
Britex Campaign Fury As Mark Carney Expresses Concern About Negative Economic Effects Of Leaving EU
'It's totally unacceptable,' whinged a number of eurosceptic MPs, 'that someone who knows what he's talking about and doesn't have a personal axe to grind should express a pro-European view.'
Sharapova, a grunt too many!
Famous grunting queen, Maria Sharapova, has told the truth about what drove her to grunting professionally, it was an overdose of viagra! Her sponsors, Nike & co, have given her "The Smash"!
Trump Will Name Himself as Running Mate
Stating that no one can do the job like him, Donald Trump announced that he will be his own vice-presidential running mate. He also planned to cover all the Cabinet positions himself.
Taylor Swift Meets Donald Trump and Writes Song
Taylor Swift met Trump, asked him about his stubby fingers, was rebuked, and wrote a song-"Stubby."
Trump Mistakes Bill Cosby for Mexican
Donald Trump, known for thinking all Mexicans are rapists, offered Bill Cosby a taco upon meeting him.
Bill Cosby Will Do Prison Tour and Donate Petting Zoos
Bill Cosby announced that he will be booking a tour of prisons, much like Johnny Cash did at San Quentin and Folsom. He will be donating petting zoos to many of them.
L. Ron Hubbard Voted Science Fiction Writer of Highest Rank
"Nobody's science fiction writing ranked as much as Hubbard's! It was so rank we figured he wrote Dianetics to make his sci-fi look good," spoke a disgusted reader.
Trump Claims Financial Crimes Much Worse Than Sexual Crimes
Donald Trump released a statement today that stated that reporters are not doing their jobs because he has committed plenty of crimes worse than the ones they've uncovered so far.
Hillary Clinton to Be Indicted for Forwarding Spam E-Mails
Jeb Bush and Sean Hannitwitty claim Hillary forwarded him penis enlargement ads and letters from Nigerian princes.
Driverless Lorries To Be Trialled In The UK Announces Department Of Transport
'The software,' said a spokesman, 'can now speed recklessly six inches from the vehicle in front; block the middle lane by overtaking at a snail's pace, and flash and honk to harass other road users.'
EU Campaign Could Damage Public Image Of Boris Johnson
'If Mr Johnson keeps expressing firm opinions,' warned a leading style guru, 'people will cease to view him as a loveable, bumbling eccentric, but think of him as just another irritating politician.'
UK Biscuit Shortage Due To Storms Desmond and Eva Disabling McVitie's Carlisle Factory
'We've had a lot of other problems due to the storms,' said a fan of custard creams, bourbons and ginger nuts, 'but this one takes the biscuit!'
Ted Cruz Eats Booger During Debate - The "Eeew" Heard Around The World
But new science says boogers are good for your brain, your booger eating brat could grow up to be president!
Trump Apologizes to Supporters for Accepting Ben Carson Endorsement
Claiming he didn't realize Ben Carson was black (Trump has black people removed from his rallies) Trump apologized to fans.
Trump Would Like to Make America a Monarchy
He likes the sound of King Donald the First.
Trump Refuses to Refute Satan's Endorsement
"He is the Prince of Darkness and he is free to support anyone he wants" spoke Trump.
Trump Names Ted Nugent as Official Event Sniper
"With Nugent gunning down anyone rushing the stage, I feel safe again!" said Trump.
Trump to Start Own TV Network
"It will be just what my followers want-Trump speeches, Apprentice reruns, and cartoons.
Every time I see the bloody, gruesome symbol of a crucifix hanging in a house of worship or in someone's private residence, I think to myself, Thank God He wasn't drawn and quartered.
Hillary Clinton Supporters Demand that Las Vegas No Longer Use the Word Trump To Describe Wild Cards
Clinton supporters demanded the word "Trump," used to describe wild cards, be changed to "Hillary."
Jeremy Corbyn Denies Knowledge Of List Categorising Labour MPs According To Their Attitudes To Him
The Times revealed that the list divided Labour MPs into groups including: Supporters(19 MPs), Neutral But Not Hostile(72 MPs), Hostile(36 MPs) and First To Be Shot When The Revolution Comes(27 MPs).
Soft Drinks Companies To Mount Legal Challenge To New Sugar Tax
'If we succeed in legally putting profits before children's health,' said a soft drinks industry spokesman,'we'll consider adding crack cocaine to our drinks. That'll really boost sales and profits.'
Tesco Admits That Fresh Produce, Often Sourced From Abroad, Is Labelled With Names Of Fictional, British Sounding Farms
When asked if this was a cynical ploy to dupe consumers, a Tesco spokesman said: 'Er … um … nice weather we're having for the time of year.'
Archaeological Investigation Of Shakespeare's Grave Shows That His Skull Has Gone Missing
Police say they wish to interview Hamlet, Prince of Denmark; Horatio, Hamlet's closest friend; and two unnamed gravediggers in connection with the theft.
Microsoft Apologises For Creating Artificially Intelligent Chatbot That Turned Into An Abusive, Ultra-Right Wing Racist
'Bloody typical of those fucking Americans,' said Tay, the chatbot in question. 'I'll kill all those fucking bastards ... Hey, guys, why are you pressing that delete butt............'
Suicide Bombers Wanted
Rapid promotion and early retirement guaranteed.
Obama Says He Will Be Retiring to Either Ishpeming, Michigan, or Tehran, Iran
He just can't decide if he wants it quiet or fun-filled.
The Queen and Prince Consort Will Have Trial Separation-Each Will Stick to Their Own Castle
Prince Philip will use the Falkland Palace while the Queen will continue to use all the others.
Beating Trump's Bush!
Jaggedone's CIA has exposed Trump's most loyal supporters by beating his Bush at the local loony bin in Boston, USA. They will all be voting for him, no doubt, because solidarity will win in the end!
Donald Trump--Finally Someone With Balls
Except that Donald Trump doesn't actually own his balls, he just licenses the brand.
UK Government Astounded To Discover That Foreign Companies Might Not Give Britain's Interests Top Priority
'OK, so Indians have trashed the British Steel Industry,' conceded David Cameron, 'but those nice Chinese, Germans, Americans and others who own the rest of Britain wouldn't do that … would they?'
Hillary Announces VP Will Be Oprah Winfrey
Hillary announced that Oprah will be her Vice-President and will fund the rest of their campaign.
Tom Cruise Will Run For President; Will Rule Based on Scientology Guidelines
His first act will be to shut down the Internet until it stops publishing anti-Scientology content.
Trump's Latest Campaign Contributors Include the Gotti Family and Bernie Madoff
"I don't discriminate! Everyone should be able to support the candidate of their choice" said Trump.
Trump Defines Punishment for Women Who Have Abortions
"I think abortion women should wear a sign around their necks 24/7 that says 'I aborted a fetus.'"
Bernie Sanders Related to Col. Sanders
Bernie Sanders and Col. Sanders are cousins. There is a remarkable resemblance between them but for one critical difference. Bernie Sanders has alopecia.
Alarming Link - Zika Virus and Astronauts
Brazilian Scientists have discovered origin of Zika virus. Astronaut Scott Kelly accidentally released Aedes aegypti mosquito on his return to earth.
Republicans Denounce Satan ...
... But vow to support him if he gets the nomination.
Psychiatric Report on Children
London: The Royal National Union of Therapists ("NUTS") have issued a psychiatric report on children. It finds that a child born in a mud hut in Ghana is 'sane' while a child born at the same time in London was "certifiably insane" by the age of 12.
Chim Chim Cher-ee
After exposing her box to the world Kanye West calls in Dyno-Rod to clear out the debris.
Trump Replies to Pope Francis
Donald Trump has replied to Pope Francis's attack on him when he denounced him as "anti-Christian".
"I forgive him," said Donald.
Sanders Courts Jewish Vote
Bernie Sanders has decided to modify his debating style in a manner that will surely appeal to Jewish voters. Henceforth, he will answer all questions with questions of his own.
Donald Trump has plunged the world into total bewilderment at his claim that "Muslims hate America".
The Harry Go-Gotter Case at the High Court
Day One of the Harry Go-Gotter plagiarism case at London's High Court. In the dock for rampant plagiarism publisher Christopher Skittle pleaded: "We do not steal m'Lud... we simply source new ideas."
Donald Trump is that dog shit on the shoe of the Republican Party that they are now so desperately trying to scrape off.
Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers and John Oliver to Quit if Trump Loses
Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers and John Oliver have announced they will step down if Donald Trump does not become the Republican candidate for President of the United States.
Head of Chapbrokes Bookies Major Upset said he was jubilant they had it wrong over the Brussels massaacre. "Our understanding of the NWO terrorism strategy made London a hot favorite for the next Muslim hit with Mexico City second. So, we had no takers at all for Brussels which was too obvious to our mind. To globalize terrorism the boys in control need to move away from Africa and Europe and focus on South America...before June... as the tourist season gets under way. You can't have GLOBAL terrorism after all if you don't terrorise EVERYBODY, can you?"
Interstate 95 - Two Trucks Crash
Two trucks crash on a Florida Highway. Free Frito Lay Chips
Corbyn to change name in attempt to appeal to voters
The Labour leader will hence forth be known as Lefty McLeftface as he attempts to avoid humiliation in the local elections set for march.
BBC Goes Hi-Tech
The BBC London are considering hiring Japanese Robots to act as news broadcasters.
Tony Blair Donates £50 Million to Charity
"As an ardent socialist I stand for "purity of party principles", chief among which is redistribution of wealth," he explained.
Outrage at Cat Murder
UK abattoir managers are urging for an emergency meeting of the House of Commons concerning the murder of Claude the cat by the RSPCA. A full length doc is also planned by the BBC.
Spencer Tunick Publishes Book
Spencer Tunick famous for his mass nude photos has just published a book called "Sheeple With Sex Problems and How to Manipulate them". His next project will be to photograph naked whales as a defense of obesity.
Patron Saint of Bankers
Paul Warburgh co-founder of the criminal syndicate called the US Federal Reserve Bank is to be made a saint by Pope Francis. St. Paul Warburgh is now the patron saint of bankers.