Spoof news snippets from July 2016
There were 86 spoof news snippets published in July 2016. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
New UPS Driver Can't Find The White House
Other drivers have also failed to find 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue after stories of aggressive background checks and body cavity searches by the Secret Service.
New Libertarian Slogan: Feel The Johnson
Just don't feel the Johnson burn.
Sears and K-Mart To Merge With Dollar Tree
Tired of being unsuccessful, K-Mart and Sears will merge with the very successful Dollar Tree chain.
Trump Defense Of Bill Cosby Raises VP Speculation
After calling The Cos disgusting and a has been, Donald Trump now says Cosby is a victim of the "dishonest media and money hungry lawyers."
Source: Ted Cruz Is Vamipre Clone Of Sammy Davis Jr.
Trump publicist John Miller has said a source by the name of Thad Forelli will soon reveal details proving that Ted Cruz is the result of experimental vampire cloning gone bad.
Farage, Cameron, Bojo!
British, Bulldog, Bullshit!
BOJO wins gold Olympic medal at 'Butt-licking!'
New UK Foreign Secretary, BOJO, has wasted no time in proving to the world why May chose him! He has already won a gold Olympic medal at his fav sport, Buttlicking, before the games even started!
Brexit Has Americans Running for Their Dictionaries
After reading the definition, 99 out of 100 have to look up "European Union" to see what that is.
Investigation Discovery Network Asks Criminals To Be More Creative In Their Crimes
The network's audience is getting tired of run-of-the-mill murders and scams.
Boris Johnson Expresses No Regret About Causing Britain's Exit From Europe
'It was great fun pushing the country towards Brexit,' Mr Johnson told reporters. 'God knows what's going to happen now mind you,' he added, 'but that's not my problem. I'm off.'
Michael Gove... Fame Awaits
Gove ... "I do not have charisma or glamour."
Isn't THAT why you are seeking leadership of the Conservative Party?
THEN... you will have charisma and glamour.
Thousands Join Protests At Outcome Of EU Referendum
When asked about the logic of opposing the outcome of a democratic, national vote, a protester seemed puzzled. 'We need to keep having EU referendums until Remain win … I suppose,' he finally replied.
NRA Gets Congress to Change Constitution to Include Assault Rifles
We just want to affirm every American's God-given right to own an assault rifle! said the NRA rep.
House of Commons
How would you completely dismantle the UK government at one stroke?
Simple. Call a referendum on the EEC.
Shot in the dark; NRA Friendlyfires
Amidst gun safety debate, NRA accidentally unloaded almost 600 rounds, injuring their pride. The gun later apologized saying it mistook the organization for a quail.
Science: Trump's Shit Does Stink!
Scientific study reveals that Donald Trump's feces contains the same rank scent as all other members of the human race. Suggests extreme constipation as reason for bad breath.
There is a Reported Rush of Republican Leaders Leaving the Country as Trump Announces He Is Looking for a Running Mate
"No one wants to be on THAT bandwagon when the inevitable crash comes" said an anonymous Republican.
Labour Party Disbands
'Theresa May seems to have covered all the points we're worried about,' announced Jeremy Corbyn. 'We may as well wind up the Labour Party now - it was going to implode anyway.'
Trump Rejects Offer to Speak to the NAACP
"Well, I lost my black friend who I used to refer to, so what would I talk about?" admitted Trump.
Rear end Turkish coup on Greek Island Lesbos!
President Erdogan annexed Greek Island Lesbos in a coup d état after repelling a revolution in Turkey! Gay/Lesbian Lesbos tourists fear it is the end and will now flock to the Isle of Man Instead!
Melania Says Speech Was A 'Cover Version ' of Michelle's
Melania Trump denied that she had plagiarized Michelle Obama '08 speech but was doing a cover version. "I think the public will remember my interpretation much,much longer. I mean really,look at me."
Russian Balloonist, Fyodor Konyukhov, Sets A New World Record For Flying Non-stop Around The World
'He needed to get really high to achieve the record,' said a Russian spokesman, 'although not in the same sense as all our athletics record holders.'
Democratic Party to Copyright "and" ,"if", "but" etc.
Copyright attorney Avrahim Goldfisch has announced that, on behalf of the U.S. Democrats, he was applying to copyright hundreds of common words, in an effort to curb plagiarism by U.S. Republicans.
North Korea's Kim Jong Un Wants the US to Take Him Seriousl
Kim Jong-Un said today that if the US won't treat him like an adult then they are all poo-poo heads!
Trump Copies Hillary's Slogan
The Chinese government has made a formal complaint to the UN asking why China, one of the most populated and powerful countries in the world, is rarely mentioned in Western media and never favourably.
Hillary Clinton Sufffers Concussion from a Balloon
Hillary Clinton suffered a concussion after her DNC convention speech when a red balloon hit her head. Sources state that even with a concussion she is still smarter than Donald Trump.
Australia To Move Longitude And Latitude To Correct Mismatch Between Local Co-ordinates And GPS
Nicola Sturgeon is said to be considering a similar move to place Scotland in central Europe.
A deadly sign you cannot ig.
Danger to Shipping
A large, deflated weather balloon considered a danger to shipping has been fished out of the Thames. Thought to be Boris Johnson.
Hillary is having Bill fit with a black box recorder to avoid another inflight disaster.
The National Reading Championship
The years UK National Reading Championship was won by 19-year-old Samuel McNutt who read aloud two whole pages of "The Tale of Peter Rabbit" without stopping.
MI5 Career Move
EX-MK Ultra mind controller and MI5 agent Angus McClintock is to launch pop career with remake of "Me and My Shadow". Rumoured knighthood in the offing for what is destined to be a meteoric career.
Trump not to press charges against the boy who tried to shoot him and has appealed for clemency. The White House now inevitable.
I'm Just Wild about Juno!
Thousands of poor, homeless and dispossessed right across America have taken to the streets in wild celebration of space probe Juno's arrival at large planet called Jupiter.
Blair Receives Bush Support
During his recent press roast concerning his war career Tony Blair received a telegram from George W. Bush. "Just to let you know Tony, I am behind you all the way... far, far behind you."
British Military 'Intelligence' after centuries of invading and pillaging some 80 foreign countries had "no idea" of the consequences of invading Iraq (Blair).
The Chilcot Whitewash
The Chilcot Iraq inquiry team are... Sir Roderick Lyne, Sir Lawrence Freedman, Sir Martin Gilbert ,Baroness Prashar, Sir John Chilcot... all hand picked by Blair's buddy 33% Mason Gordon Brown. Yo ho.
"False Intelligence" Spreads to the BBC
Who claim that "150,000 people were killed during and after the Iraqi invasion". Try a MILLION+! But what are 850,000 fatalities between friends? Dat bad ole 'false intelligence' again.
Common Sense about The Iraqi War and the NWO
How can you invade a country, kill 1,000,000 of its people, drive out 5,000,000 more and plunge it forever into civil chaos... in the name of 'democracy' that you know not of? Who gave you that job?
Blair Radio Interview
Well...I....I...I... thought that I...I...well Syria?
Should we? I...I...I really don't think that I... I...I could have... I mean if I...I...had thought...I... that I...I...I...I... I mean... I...
Guilty! Tomato Plant Violates Couples' Personal Space.
A judge issued the maximum sentence for a tomato plant accused of repeatedly encroaching upon and violating an elderly couples' space at their residential home garden. The plant was still not ripe.
Blair to Face Trial?
What'll happen to Blair if found guilty of 'illegality' (LOL) over Iraq?
(1) Lose his privy councillorship?
(2) Get Schillings to sue for defamation?
(3) Lose one of his 10 houses?
Kim Kardashian Arrested in Atlanta Airport....
...a search of her jeans uncovered 50 pounds of crack.
Journalists March In London
Thousands of writers, artists and journalists marched in London today carrying posters that read:
(1) Hands off Satire!
(2) To hell with defamation law!
(3) Bring back Monty Python and Spittin' Image!
Mick Jagger Won't Marry
72 year old Mick Jagger says he will not marry 29 year old pregnant girlfriend Melanie Hamrick. "I just have feeling it won't last," said he.
The One Thing Burglars Don't Want You to Know.
That they are robbing your house.
"You Think You Know People":(Jeremy Corbyn)
LONDON: The Labour Party is to open a Members' Social Club near Downing Street. "So that we can get to know one another... as people... if that is what we are", said betrayed leader Jeremy Corbyn.
Fun in the sun
They say if you hold the ocean up to your ear you can hear yourself drowning.
In the Navy!
The Pentagon is developing a sodium free ocean. It's called Lake Michigan
Coincidence or conspiracy?
The oceans are running out of fish. That's OK. Trader Joe's is running out of tartar sauce.
The sound shit makes when it hits the fan.
New UK Referendum on The Eu?
Now that billions have been made by the NWO boys who, of course, are cleverer than YOU which is why they are rich and YOU are poor... billions more will be made by tbem by dragging her back in. Right?
Alphabet Pasta Now Available in China
Thanks to 3-D printing technology, the Chinese are now able to produce noodles resembling every character in their writing system. Collect all four hundred cans!
Russia has developed a new super-weapon that can destroy all enemy submarines simultaneously
Code name: Jeremy Corbyn
New Saint For Catholic Church
Assassinated President John Kennedy is to be made Patron Saint of Bankers by Pope Francis in a special ceremony in December at the Banco Ambrosiano, Rome.
Michelle Obama Loved Melania's Convention Speech
"Well written and memorable," stated Mrs. Obama. "I couldn't have said it better myself!"
Sheeple Mind Control
How do they work it?
That which is MOST important to them gets zero media attention.
When was the last time you heard or read about their ultimate tool of mind control.. VIRTUAL REALITY?
Jim 'Common' Sense Barred from GOP Convention Floor
State Congressman Common Sense from Idaho was denied entry to join fellow delegates and told, "There isn't any common sense scheduled to be here" by party officials. He was told to try again in 2020.
Preparing the sheep for Virtual Reality?
Ground Breaking Defeat
WASHINGTON: A motion making it illegal to misinform the American public on all matters pertaining to their welfare and democratic right was unanimously defeated yesterday by 530 votes to 5.
Three Rules for Black Men Being Burglarized
1) Call the Police
2) Go outside, lie on the ground spread eagle and wait for the Police arrive
3) When uncuffed, file a Police report.
Donald Trump Promises to Build a Wall Against the Zika Virus and Make It Pay for It
Trump Promises to Bring Back Popular "Law & Order" Series
Upset by canceling of original "L&O" Trump repeatedly promises at Convention to bring back the popular TV series at 10 pm E.S.T. day after taking office."What did you think he meant?" campaign asks.
Everybody in jail... except President Erdogan.
Tony Blair's Final Confession
"Okay, you got me. I promise I won't do it again."
Hillary Copies Trump's Slogan
Trump: Mourning in America.
Hillary: Morning in America!
LONDON: A blind cripple who was busking outside Euston railway Station had his takings stolen this afternoon. Police are seeking two men of Eastern origin.
Cancer can cause alcoholism, obesity and tattoos.
NWO. What's Important..Never Mention.
Sheeple Mind Control Agenda.
What is truly important to us MUST NEVER be mentioned to the sheeple.
Gimme an example.
The Most Loved Man on the Planet?
Media to Name Terrorists
UK Media have decided to name terrorists.
Will they include themselves?
And You Thought the World was for You! Didn't you?
Monsanto are to release genetically modified fish into the five oceans of the world.
"All the world's fish now legally belong to us," said their spokesman Hiram Pike.
Sanders supporters on DNC leak: "Democracy is dead!"; Wasserman Schultz: "No shit!"
"Put the bong down and remember your history classes," ex DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz tells Bernie Bros. "This is real life," she added. "If you want Democracy, go watch America's Got Talent!"
LONDON: The BBC are in desperate need of stories on the theme of "innocents being attacked". If you know of any please contact immediately,
BBC Broadcasting House
The revolution will be decided by AutoCorrect.
Donald Trump wants to build a wall around the Mets. He'd make the Wilpons pay for it.
Donald Trump Abducted by ISIS
His captors have reportedly strapped him to a chair, Clockwork Orange style, and are forcing him to watch Speedy Gonzales, Machete, and Cheech & Chong, until he volunteers to cut his own throat.
RBS Bank Fails Stress Test
LONDON: RBS banks fails stress test. Queen announces national day of mourning.
Rowling Announces Potter Book 8
"Never say never", she says. Duh? And Potter sheeple everywhere figured they had closed dat old Potter gold mine for good and gone home. Have your pocket money ready.
LONDON: Banks tested for crises capability. "Weakest have lowest reserves". Oh really? And how many of the 51 banks tested have an ounce of gold?
Bookies' Prices on UK City of Culture 2017
UK Bookies have released prices on next year's UK City of Culture 'winner'.
Somewhere not in Scotland... 100/1
Speaking out of His . . . .
Donald Trump speaks out of his ass so often he no longer has a face.
Proof Tony Blair No Longer Exists
Well... the media don't mention him. Dat's how.
Not a single word about Blair or from Blair... since the 'inquiry' written up by friends of his best buddy Gordon Brown.
Common Sense Mag
A magazine called Common Sense was released today in New York. It's leading articles are...
1. 97%+ Americans want peace.
2. Jews are victims of Zionists.
3. 99.9% Muslims are not ISIS.
Two Women Interviewed
Q: What was your worst trauma?
Woman 1: "I was groped once by a famous celebrity".
Q. What was your greatest thrill?
Woman 2: I was groped once by a famous celebrity."